retro-introspection
Now that the Board Meeting at work is over, and my life is back to some version of normal (or something like that), I've been given a few more moments to think about my own life (shock, right?!). As soon as I got back on Sunday, I finally had the chance to process the news of rejection letters from the doctoral program to which I applied (this year, only one… last year, eight). I had received the news before I left for the Board Meeting, but I refused to inform anyone I knew (except for my family), because I knew that everyone would issue regrets and try to console me. At their attempts of consolation, I knew that I would probably break down because of the Board Meeting stress, so I just withheld it until after the meeting. In fact, a coworker was surprised that I had held the secret the entire time until we were on the plane back to D.C. when she brought up that I'd be hearing soon about school. And, because I'm awesome at hiding my feelings when surrounded by hundreds of strangers, I was quickly able to brush off with a joke and move on to a funny picture in Sky Mall.
Everything about what I would now not be doing really hit on Sunday night after I had a bit of rest… it was kind of like a gut punch to the stomach. Combined with the exhaustion, it's probably why the virus that I'm suffering from right now was able to complete knock me out. And, yeah, the news, it sucks. However, I refuse to let it keep me down and make me a pessimist.
I met with a good friend for dinner right before I went to Board Meeting, and he shared with me his planning tool: a 10-10-10 (10 weeks, 10 months, 10 years). So, in my downtime, I'm working on my own 10-10-10, which is odd for me, because I've never been the kind of person to make timed long-term personal goals for myself. I like to plan for the week, and things that are coming up for work and social events, but not personal goals. So, this is really a first for me. And, I won't lie, it's a little challenging. I feel a little vain and conceited thinking that I should be so awesome as to complete X & Y by year A or B. But, I'm determined to start thinking that way. And while I do have a Bucket List/wishlist of things that I want to do before I die, I think of those in a totally different way. Now my feet are to the fire with these goals.
I am also having to work on another life plan in a sort of way. It brings me back around to the question that I asked myself in high school and in college of what I really want to do in life, and if I will really be happy doing that, or will I be happy just getting a paycheck as long as I like where I am and enjoy the atmosphere. Should I be happy to have a job and stick to it (and most Americans right now I'm sure would say yes to this)? Or should I take that leap of faith and really go after what I want to do? It's a complete reversal on what I expected that I would be doing as I am approaching my 30th birthday (even more rapidly than I expected).
I guess viruses can be sheep in wolves clothing sometime (you read that right). While they are horrible and leave you on your back, they leave you with time for reflection and introspection, or even a retro-introspection. It has been good to have the time to think and to wonder about what can, might, or will happen, but I can also overthink and overanalyze, or even just boggle my own mind. It's good to have a few good friends that jump in and ask the right questions to help you work your way out of your own maze of the mind and get you back on track. It's also strange to me that I have to reflect and think back as far back as I have just to get to the point that I can start on my plans again. Who knew I had gotten so far along without thinking about what I wanted for so long? Not my parents, friends, or professors. Crazy, isn't it?
At this point, there are still so many questions that still don't have answers. But, I do know that I have a greater sense of peace because of the time that I have had to consider life plans and options instead of feeling rushed to make decisions. And, at this point, no matter what, I will consult my plans and my 10-10-10 to see how to map out what I'm doing and if it makes sense toward a final goal. If it doesn't, I will hope money starts growing on trees, or that I've bagged Nelly or George Clooney as a boyfriend!
