confessions.
so, 139 training. good stuff. i hope that it went well. i think it did. service. that's what we did, and i hope that is what they know. that is all i know sometimes. but i need to be more about it sometimes.
the story of my life for the past few days has been exhaustion… it has taken many forms. physical, oh yes, especially. i'm so sleepy. i only got 4 hours of sleep last night. tonight, i'm about to head to bed so i can get at least 8, and then it looks like a possible wonderful sunday napping afternoon.
i'm financially exhausted. shope, if you were to ever get an lj, you know the story, because i told you all of this today. ugh.
i'm temporarily exhausted. sometimes i just think this life is fleeting. i wonder what's the point sometimes… not in some morbid way or anything. just in the way that God originally created it. i wonder what was REALLY going through adam and eve's mind. and sometimes i want to yell at them. but then i realize, i probably would have done the same thing. and i do. everyday… i forget who's God sometimes. i need a daily reminder of that.
i'm socially exhausted. yep. not that i don't enjoy the company of my friends… i love my friends. i love my people that make me smile. but there are sometimes when i really want to say things that are mean. and by realizing that, i know that my heart is in a bad condition. i've had lots of moments this week of these.
times when i really wanted to just flip off that woman for cutting me off in traffic.
times when i am really annoyed by the trivial things that people talk about just for small talk.
times when i feel i can't be me, and i feel like i have to stoop down or rise up to someone's level.
times when i just want to be by myself. sometimes forever. sometimes just for a moment.
tonight was an even bigger night of these. i found myself in the opposite situation from an early situation in the week. earlier this week, i felt really left out of my surroundings, like i didn't belong… the outsider. tonight, i found myself pushing someone to be the outsider. and by that, i feel really bad. in my mind, i can justify it. but in that, i know that i'm wrong.
i had a blind date tonight. and it was miserable. yikes. he was nice. but, hmmm. very very. ok, i don't know how to be PC about it, so let's just say we weren't ANYTHING similar. during the evening because of the conversation, i felt bad for having the education that i do, or even just educated opinions, or even just my thoughts. in fact, i used the word 'eccentric' in a sentence, and i'm not totally confident he knew what i was saying. when we talked politics (he brought it up to his own doom), he couldn't even tell me why he felt the way he did about the candidates, he just said, well, i don't know, i just like bush better. if you're gonna bring it up, have a reason why… and right now, i've tried to keep up with it all, so if you don't have at least a general knowledge, then i'm not the person to talk with… because it's way important to me right now. we went bowling with my friend melissa (the bold) and matt. in their presence, i felt so comfortable. and it was almost like i pushed him out of the group. i do feel bad. really bad.
i am glad however, that he didn't mention anything about giving me another call. because, i don't know how i would tell him that it just couldn't happen ever.
so it's been a very strange week. the exhaustion has caught way up with me, but at a good time, because i can catch up on sleep. i'm going to bed so i can get up in the morning. 
g'night.
