deep[er] thoughts
i just used this phrase in joking. but it doesn't seem quite as funny when i began to ponder it. it seems way too much a part of the occasion.
i'll talk to you later, 'good lord willing and the creek don't rise.'
let's hope not. 
ivan the terrible
so ivan's due for landfall in a few hours in mobile. it's scary looking now.
i went outside about an hour ago, and there's an erie feel. i don't like it… it can't be good for anyone. the rainbands are due for here by midnight. i'll be sleeping… really hard. or at least i hope so.
brief synopsis of today… it was good. only 3 babies in our room. and they were wonderful. i couldn't have asked for a better day. we found out that wednesday night activities were cancelled… and so is PDO for friday. plus, university classes were cancelled starting today at 1 p.m.
big boo: whelmed is cancelled. i understand why. but i was so excited about it. plus, there's a chance that i won't be at it next time, because it might go down the same weekend as 139. i'm so sad. but, it is in the best interest of everyone.
i just fell asleep upstairs watching the weather. and now i'm so tired. today's been a crazy day.
i'm going to bed. i'm looking forward to being stuck around the house for a day or so. maybe i'll get some reading done. ha ha. and i'm going to pray for holli's yard. i hear that it might need it…
stay safe you guys… and i pray that God keeps those safe who chose to stay down on the coast.
fake flowers bring…
so, we're reading 'frankenstein' now for my lit class. i wonder if we'll actually talk about it tomorrow or if my teacher will go off on politics again. i sure hope it's the former…
when i look at my desk at the many things on it, the really bright colored daisies always make me smile… even though they're really really fake. but, that's ok. it's my desk. between that, the neon 'open' sign and the disco ball, it's a pleasant place.
today hasn't been all that eventful or memorable. i was a floater today between 2 p.d.o. classes. fun stuff. i saw timmy in between commute to classes and decided to go ahead and hand over the old g3 to him. yep, it's sold. and for that, i'm thankful. it can be used, and not just sitting around collecting dust.
i have lots to do this week. and i'm glad. my weeks have been kind of slow, so maybe this will help pass the time a little faster. i've got a little more to do with whelmed studying, finishing up the week for disciple, reading frankenstein, and i want to start a book for my own reading indulgence. that and homework, a 139 meeting tomorrow, and girls night out with the sunday school class on thursday night, then whelmed! it should be fantastic.
by the way, if you haven't listened to patty griffin, get on it. good stuff.
other than that, today i've… read the last 6 chapters of the design book for my art class, started and finished my business card project for the same class, read 7 chapters of frankenstein, worked on some stuff for 139, and took an hour nap. i was impressed with all that i got done. especially the reading… that's the hardest part.
that's all for now… still keeping my chin up and looking for great things to happen. i'm pursuing the positive… and i'm determined to settle for nothing less. the good thing is… i know what i want and what i don't want. well, not all of it, but i have a better idea now.
yay for school tomorrow (yeah, i know i'm a dork) and hopefully for hang time at lunch! woohoo. love you all, g'night.
resonate
today has been a day full of resonation with music. these lyrics have been on my head all day (yeah, i posted them the other day, but it's my journal, so i'll do what i want.. ha ha.):
'sometimes when i'm all alone, i don't know if i can take another breath.
some say home is where the heart is, tell me where my home is, cause i am scared to death.
falling from the rooftop, crashing like a raindrop, can you make my heart stop?
shaking like a leaf, standing at the floodgate, steady as an earthquake,
can you hear my heart break, tearing at the seams?
i am drifting at the deep end, holding on to your hand is all that saves me now.
life can treat you like a beggar, you hold me together but i don't know how
some say home is where the heart is, and my heart is in your hands, you are all i need.
rising from the ashes, lifted from the madness, now you see my heart is
deep enough to dream, heal me from the deathblow, lead and i will follow,
now you feel my heart glow, mending at the seams.' -bebo 'drifting'
i like that word: resonate. it's so… good. what does it mean? i'm glad you asked:
resonate: 1. To exhibit or produce resonance or resonant effects. 2. To evoke a feeling of shared emotion or belief. 3. To correspond closely or harmoniously.
happy now? good. i'm glad, really!
by the way, and completely off the subject, don't let anyone tell you that matt miller isn't an awesome guy, because he is. thanks matt… you rock my face off.
back to resonation. this morning, we sang the perfect hymns. we even sang 'there is a balm in gilead.' today i needed that. i also needed the sermon. andy wolfe preached on david (the first in the series 'living a life of promise'). a few highlights from today's message:
†God can call out from us possibilities that we cannot see for ourselves. he longs to tell us we are the one being called, and he wants to help us see.
†to discover the full promise of our lives, we must ask what we are working for…
†a promise is a function of calling, and greatness comes in response to the calling… God has a plan for the fullness of time, he gathers all things to himself.
†a calling is an 'inner awareness' of being home with where God wants us… the calling releases our potential. to hear the call, we must listen intently to our inner life.
†what God calls us to do, he will give us the gifts to use… when God calls, we must answer… in order to gain our life, we must surrender 'our' time, and submit in obedience.
so that was today. it was fantastic. i felt like i was constantly writing. it was great. i walked away with so much. in a morning where i began questioning my worth from the get-go, God answered and told me that i have a promise of purpose in this world. so, thanks God… i'm sorry for being mad and stupid. ugh. i hate being that way.
i spent time with some of the gals today. we went to the lake this afternoon and chilled for a while. then, headed off to church, where a guy from my youth group growing up was speaking. it's so strange to go back to church there. it's just so different. sometimes i miss it… but most of the time i don't. especially when it's a message like it was tonight. i just completely disagree with some of the evangelism techniques of that church. it bothers me. i don't believe that we should scare the 'hell' out of people… you don't produce disciples that way… you produce cowards of God's wrath. and that's not gonna do too well when spreading the love of God around.
anyways. it was a good day. i enjoyed being able to just chill around. sunday school was great, church was great… hang out time with the gals was great. all in all… i'm happy. and that's a good thing.
i'd just like to apologize to all my bama buds out there… i've been a horrible fan. i guess i just needed to see the game for myself. and it's nice now, that i don't have completely act like a non-fan with my job. i let go last night. and i've been happy watching ever since. it makes me want to yell my fight song now… here's a big BIG RRROLL TIDE ROLLLLL! i'm definitely looking for tickets to the games i can make.
tonight has turned into a long post… unintentionally.
i've decided to look for my promise. i'm seeking it out. i know it's not obvious… that sometimes i'm the runt, like david. but, that's ok. because i'm happy with it that way. i'm happy with where i am right now. i'm glad that i've had the experiences i have… and i appreciate where i am in life. i really am. i love it. i love life. yay for everything going on. strange, isn't it? yesterday i was mad… now i'm happy. thanks God.
what the hell?
yep. that's all i want to know. i'm so freakin' pissed off right now i don't even know where to start.
things were going well. we went out today… to wings and then bowling. he even said it first, that he had fun. led me on a little bit. and made me giddy. just like he does always. but still, no hand-holding or any of the like.
there has to be a reason. and there was.
apparently, he doesn't 'feel' any different towards me. just like friends. what the hell? why the hell did you start all that shit with me if you only liked me as a friend. you knew good and well how much i liked you. it's like you took my heart and threw it on the ground… but for fun, you decided to poke at it, and then just jump. why? couldn't you see it?
i just needed my heart to be guarded. and you couldn't do that. you knew… YOU KNEW how i felt. you STILL know. that's why you're so afraid that i'll be pissed. and i am. you did lead me on. and now it hurts. and i know that it really hasn't hit yet.
maybe if you'd give your heart a chance to open up, you'd feel it. maybe if you'd get over your preconceived notion of how your relationships would go, you'd feel it. but, you're not willing to do that. you only want it in your time and in your world.
i hate to tell you, but that's not gonna work with whoever comes along.
and if you do start to feel that way for me… i swear, i'm gonna make it so hard for you at first. because you need to feel what it's like to trust in something with your whole heart and never have a freakin' clue until it all comes down. then, you'd know. and you'd hate it. you'd never do it again.
if you want to be just friends, how do you talk to me for so long like that without thinking you're telling me that you're interested. you say that you're not that dumb… pick up the damn clue. geez. for someone who's not that dumb, you sure have no idea what the hell you're doing.
i don't know if i want to be friends with you. i don't know if i can take it.
this has done nothing but further my self-consciousness into a big black hole. i actually started to think that i could be liked. but, you obviously proved that one wrong. you never liked me to begin with. you just thought it'd be convenient to see what could happen. if that were the case, you should have stated that from the beginning, you know?
so i'm right back to the place i started… feeling worthless and like a loser. i can't do it if it's gonna be another 6 years until this happens again. i don't want to do it. i can't keep getting my heart broken.
where the hell is the guy that won't do this? seriously God… i need to know. i thought this was from you. i really did. if it was, i'd love to know what the crap that was. all it did was build up my heart to let it explode.
no, it wasn't some long relationship or anything… but it felt like it. maybe because we knew each other before. and, they're wrong… it doesn't work better when you're friends first. i swear, that's the biggest lie ever.
so now, not only do i feel like a huge loser in myself… now i have to face these questions because i let it get built up by the people around me. stupid emily. i feel like an asshole.
life has bitten me in the ass. and i hate it. i really do. this time, i don't want to fix it. i don't want to do it. God, you seriously have a lot of work to do… because i don't know what you're even saying anymore. i don't mean to be bitter… but why? why did this have to happen this way? why'd i have to get my heart broken, even if it's a little bit?
this sucks. so bad. is it really so much to ask for someone to love me for who i am and pursue me? that's all i'm asking for. that's not that big of a request.
one thing
why is it that you can have one super awesome day… and that one thing just makes it seem like the worst day ever. ugh.
good points of the day:
breakfast with mollie… my best friend in the whole world. it was so great. she's been in nashville for the past 2 years… moving back in november, and i'm so excited. in fact, i get to help her with wedding stuff. and i'll be in birmingham completely. it's good stuff.
wings and bowling… fun stuff. i couldn't believe it today. i have an all time high for myself… 146. yay for me. i still believe it was completely luck. it had to be. no way i'm even that good. ha ha.
movie indulgence… i watched 'love actually' today. it was super. i've seen it like 15,000 times. but i just can't get over it. it's fantastic.
catching up with friends… i talked to both melissa's today. ha ha. i can't believe i have 2 really good friends named melissa. the even cooler thing is that we all ran in the same group in high school. in fact, if i were to go by my middle name, it'd be 2 melissa's and an alissa. talk about confusing. anyways, she mentioned having a girls night this week. i definitely need it now.
bama football… i haven't been that pumped about it until tonight. and that just made me insanely happy to watch the game. now i want to go to the games. i'll have to see if i can round up some dirt cheap tickets, and crash matt miller's the next time he has a cookout of some kind… 
however, during 3rd quarter of the football game, i received bad news. well, it could be worse if it were later on. i just have one question… if you're gonna be like that, shouldn't you give out some kind of pre-warning? if you're gonna seem to throw that much effort into it, why does it seem so easy for you to just drop it? it's all about comfort, isn't it? yeah, obviously it is.
sorry, a little 3rd party direction there. now i really don't feel like talking anymore. and i feel sick. and all i want to know is why.
what's the dealio?
today has been good and bad.
the bad was the beginning of the day. i had work. work wasn't really bad… but we had this one baby who's first day of PDO was today. geez. that child screamed bloody murder for all but 15 minutes today. my nerves were officially shot after that. so much in fact, i didn't eat lunch.
after work, i headed to visit my friend julie. love that chick. she's so cool. from there i went to cokesbury and bought a new bible. that made me happy. i then drove on down to berry middle school and visited my friend melissa v. she's teaching for someone on maternity leave. i found out today that jeff state offered her a position to teach geography starting in the spring. that was pretty awesome in my mind. way to go chick.
the rest of the day has been pretty uneventful. the weekend should prove to be much better.
breakfast tomorrow with my best friend mollie… then hangout time with my 'friend.' and sunday will definitely be busy.
i'm sure there's more in my head right now, but i'm trying to get my old g3 reformatted so it can be sold. yay for that.
try
warning: potential long postage going on tonight.
i love those moments when you feel so incredibly special, you want to explode. but then, the counter-reaction can be insane.
the special moments come when you hear that someone loves to do something that you love as well. it comes in comfortable and deep conversation, searching out what is truly in our hearts and our soul. it's the annoyance of the many questions that lead to the real answers. and in that, you understand that someone really wants to know how you tick. that is something to smile about.
but at the same time, it's scary as all get out. i don't understand it sometimes. relationships can be so strange… they have a mind of their own. however, they're so interesting to watch and to experience… no matter who with. each one takes it's own form. for that, i am grateful. it would be a dull life if all of my relationships with friends and family were all the same.
i had a shock moment tonight about the real life that is to come. it was exciting to hear about… a teaching opportunity near where i grew up. i think it freaks me out that i'm already looking toward that point. in all truth, it's not that far away… i'll be graduating hopefully in december 2005… only a year away. and it will fly by if it looks like my calendar until this coming january. it's wonderful to hear about what is possible… yet fear can over take me. and career is not the only thing that i'm afraid of…
'i'm afraid to grow up but somewhere inside is the will of a man,
and all i've ever wanted was something to give and love if i can.
you make me want to try, you make me want to fight, you make me want to live, you make me want to give.
and inside my room looking out the colors of night all faded and bruised,
but out of the shadows of doubt you held up your heart and stepped into view, and under the street light we kissed.
never more tried and never more true, it drew a new song from my lips, singing if i can fall, i'm falling for you.
i'm afraid to grow up, cause somewhere i don't think i can, and all i've ever wanted is someone to love…' -bebo, 'try'
it's not that i'm afraid of it, or don't want it to happen. i'm afraid that i'll do something stupid to mess it up. i fear failure… inability… stupidity. i'm sure that everyone has some sort of it around. and that's fine. but mine lingers. i don't like it… but i have to come over it daily. and that's just yuck.
i've made a conscious decision about my faith this week. not that it's some majestic conversion thing or whatever. i've just decided that i want to be better. i've been led to try… i hear the words of the bebo song, and they are resonating in my head. christ has really outdone himself this time. thanks jesus, that you care so much over things that are so little. i don't know why people think the opposite.
'sometimes when i'm all alone, i don't know if i can take another breath.
some say home is where the heart is, tell me where my home is, cause i am scared to death.
falling from the rooftop, crashing like a raindrop, can you make my heart stop?
shaking like a leaf, standing at the floodgate, steady as an earthquake,
can you hear my heart break, tearing at the seams?
i am drifting at the deep end, holding on to your hand is all that saves me now.
life can treat you like a beggar, you hold me together but i don't know how
some say home is where the heart is, and my heart is in your hands, you are all i need.
rising from the ashes, lifted from the madness, now you see my heart is
deep enough to dream, heal me from the deathblow, lead and i will follow,
now you feel my heart glow, mending at the seams.' -bebo 'drifting'
tonight and today, i've been inspired by song. it's been an interesting day… even from the beginning.
my 8 am class began with a political rant from my instructor. she's pro-kerry, which is fine. the majority of people in my class are pro-bush, which is fine. everyone is entitled to their own opinion. but, i got a little upset with how she conducted the argument… and asked that people have open minds and their own opinions, but she kept cutting off everyone's thoughts. plus, it was an english lit class. and after her rant, she let us go. so we didn't even do anything today. which is fine… but i'm paying tuition for an education, not her opinion. i'm glad she has an opinion… i'm thrilled she's encouraging people to vote, and to research each side. but her opinion is more appreciated before or after class… not during, when i feel like i've wasted over an hour reading for your class and you're not even going to cover it. i just hate that so many people lost respect for her because of the way that she conducted herself amidst the discussion. i'm sure i'm wrong in how i feel about it. but, that's ok.
what was the beginning of the discussion? a military story she heard on npr. the story is so sad. her interesting twist was that bush was a sleeper terrorist. wow. she went on to explain why she thought that: the bushes and the bin-ladens being linked together for years and all. she did make a good point though later on… saying that to other countries we might look like terrorists with how the war is going and with the similarities people are making with vietnam. of course we look like bad guys over there… we aren't part of their everyday culture. just like here, people make them to be bad guys because they aren't part of our culture. not sure how i line up with her previous arguments… or what she said in general. i disagree and i agree. i see both sides. i haven't made my sure stance yet… and probably won't until closer to the elections. any thoughts? ideas? just be nice and civil…
after that, i decided that i wanted to listen to some political music, so i pulled up my will hoge 'america ep' on the iPod and headed to waste time until my next class. i enjoy the political stimulation of the day… it makes me want to watch the debates right now. gosh, why do they have to wait so long. i have my ideas of how i'll vote. i just need reassurance, and stances on issues… not just he said, he said.
classes after that were fine and great. me and my iPod hung out a lot today… we listened to will hoge, bebo norman and damien rice. my iPod got some new additions tonight… mindy smith and 'the b-sides' from damien rice.
speaking of the iPod… i'm so aggravated with myself. i was on the phone, and trying to update the newest songs… well, i clicked the wrong thing obviously, and clicked done… well, all of a sudden, my 7 gigs of music said 2 gigs. i had put all of my library music on my iPod… and now, it's gone. i was so upset. luckily… i've made cd's of all the iTunes music that i've downloaded. but, i have to go get all those and do the process of importing. yuck on that. ugh. so my stupidity of multitasking has led to the loss of a great iPod set list. boo.
my evening has been great… ending with super conversation and fun times during the weekend to come. i've got quality time with a few of my favorite people this weekend. i absolutely can't wait. but first, i have to finish up with work. towanda… (fried green tomatoes is on tonight on tbs… woohoo.)
i've got so much more in my head… but i'm so tired. and right now i need rest.
not too shabby.
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wow, pretty in line there.
a quest for understanding
today was nice.
my first day at my new job was today. i am in the babies' room. they're so adorable. funny moments ensue. i'm sure it will be an interesting year. ha ha.
i came home after work and took a nap. i was so tired. it was a great nap. yay for naps. they rule the planet.
disciple was tonight. i think i'm going to really enjoy it. i love being able to think about all of the scripture so deeply. we were talking about why we were in disciple tonight. my answer in my book was, to deeper my understanding of the Bible, and in that to develop a more consistent study of the Bible. i need some major motivation to go further. i haven't found anything that inspiring lately. but, now… yay. i'm so excited.
i'm so disappointed in lifeway. they don't carry NRSV bibles. what's up with that? i think i will now boycott. ah, who am i kidding. i'm sure i'll probably be back before too long.
tonight my best friend mollie called me. she's coming in this weekend! woohoo! i'm so happy. and, she'll be moving back to bham around november. i love spending time with her. she's so rockin' cool.
when i opened up my xJournal to update, it was 9:30. and i didn't start on it until now, 11:48. so my initial title looks kind of stupid. blah on that.
i'm going to bed. school is tomorrow… and it will be a short one!
