my own thoughts on it all…
so tonight i called chris and i told him that he was my 'joe.' and the bebo song explains exactly how i feel:
i would give my soul just to look at you
and everything i know just to see it through
let all the others fade away
turn all my darkness into day
my love, i would give my soul just to look at you
would you believe in me
or would you walk away at me
would you believe in me
or would you turn away and leave
either way my love i would give my soul just to look at you
if you found my heart would you run it dry
and break it all apart just to run and hide
make all the colors fade away
into another shade of grey
my love, i'd still give my soul just to look at you
would you believe in me
or would you walk away and leave
would you believe in me
or would you turn away and leave
either way my love, i would give my soul just to look at you
cause i dont know where and i don't know how
but i just want to see you know
would you believe in me
or would you turn away and leave
either way my love, i would give my soul just to look at you
i would give my soul just to look at you
so, tonight was a pivotal night in my life. i told chris how i felt about him. and it scared the hell out of me. i don't know if it was just because of the fear of rejection at first, yes. or if it was the fear of being so incredibly vulnerable with him. i have liked him for so long now. i know that it's more than a feeling of just liking him or being interested. there are deep feelings there.
but he says that he's worried about the distance. i don't want to worry about that. it shouldn't be about that. why does it have to be about that.
please God… for the first time ever, i'd be so prepared to do this and it's something that i feel is a great thing. i could be all selfish and say that i want him to be convinced that it's a good thing too. but i know that i can't. i really want him to be happy. and i really think that i could be a part of that. really. he's such an amazing person. and i know how much he hurts and how vulnerable he is. i know that i could help him fill that void that he has there in his heart. i know that i can put his trust back into relationships. i want to do that. i like him so much. i've not felt like this in such a long time. you heard me the other day, i'd give up all of my dreams for that. a simple life, working alongside to help in ministry. it's such a wonderful thing. it's what he wants. can he not see that it would be absolutely perfect? i'm so confused. did i mess up by pushing it? i can't take a broken heart, and that would be what would happen if it didn't. i know that i need to find total confidence in you, but something feels so right about it. if i'm wrong just tell me. but give him the reassurance that if he lets it happen, then he could feel safe… vulnerable… and that his heart would not be crushed as before. let him know that i would be willing to sacrifice… it would work if he'd give it a chance.
i'd finally let go, and it hit me in the face. or at least i hope that it has hit me in the face. ha ha. past the references of likes and interests, we were each other's 'joe'. where'd all that come from? well, i'll put the convo in here…
emily runDMC: how's your day been?
emily runDMC: btw, did you get the end times email i sent?
JSUpride: I did get the e-mail and thank you…I talked to Myrle 3 times today..Crazy
JSUpride: It was ok day
JSUpride: Hey, what are you doing sunday morning?
emily runDMC: going to church
JSUpride: where?
emily runDMC: trinity
JSUpride: oh ok
emily runDMC: (my church)
emily runDMC: why
JSUpride: I was wondering if you would want to come up here to visit here and hear the youth praise band play.
JSUpride: But, that is ok
emily runDMC: i would on a normal occasion, but i'm in a special class that's meeting for the next 2 sundays
JSUpride: oh I see
JSUpride: That is cool
emily runDMC: yeah… it's a spiritual gifts class. i figured i'd take one as an actual student.
JSUpride: That is cool!
emily runDMC: yeah, i'm kind of excited about it
JSUpride: I would be to!
emily runDMC: although, i did want to see if it was gonna be offered at any other time
JSUpride: yeah
emily runDMC: ok, yeah they do… but i can't take them at the other time, b/c i'll be in disciple
JSUpride: OH!, I think that I am going to ask someone out! WOO HOO!!! This is HUGE for me
JSUpride: yeah
emily runDMC: really?
emily runDMC: awesome
JSUpride: yeah I think I am going to do it, I just have to have the courage
emily runDMC: well, what's the worst that could happen?
emily runDMC: it can't be that bad
JSUpride: true, the worst is that she could say no…
emily runDMC: right
emily runDMC: and you just take that as… it wasn't meant to be
JSUpride: yeah
JSUpride: you got your eye on anybody?
emily runDMC: um… yes and no…
JSUpride: ok talk to me about this guy….
emily runDMC: why
JSUpride: why not?
emily runDMC: besides, one of my friends told me to shut up about it because i've talked about it too much
JSUpride: I have not and I asked
emily runDMC: i don't know what to talk about for the guy…
JSUpride: ok, that is fine
emily runDMC: what do you want to know
JSUpride: why do you like the guy?
JSUpride: What attracted you to him?
emily runDMC: well, i'm interested in him because of his heart… he's got a passion that's incredible… can't describe it sometimes
JSUpride: that is cool
JSUpride: will this guy ever know that you like him?
emily runDMC: i don't know
emily runDMC: i used to always have this thought that i should let it be known… but recently, i've decided that i'm gonna sit back and have a quiet heart.
emily runDMC: so, what about your girl that you're gonna ask out?
emily runDMC: ok, fine… you don't have to answer
emily runDMC: are you there? i think i disappeared.
JSUpride: yeah you did
emily runDMC: did you get my answer and then my question?
JSUpride: nope
emily runDMC: my answer to your question of if he'll ever know was: i used to always have this thought that i should let it be known… but recently, i've decided that i'm gonna sit back and have a quiet heart.
JSUpride: ok, why is that?
JSUpride: If you dont mind me asking/
emily runDMC: because if it's known to the world, then i don't feel so disappointed if i get shafted, which is usually all the time
JSUpride: I feel you there
emily runDMC: wait, i meant that as… if i'm the only one who knows, then i don't feel so disappointed
JSUpride: got you
emily runDMC: if the world knows, the it's a failure known to man
emily runDMC: so what about your girl?
JSUpride: what about her?
JSUpride: Ok, truth is that I would like to get to know her better, cause she is kinda close to my age. so, it might not be a "date"
emily runDMC: cool
emily runDMC: you should go for it
JSUpride: I dunno.
JSUpride: courage is a big thing for me right now
emily runDMC: well, you're never gonna get it until you push yourself
emily runDMC: you know?
JSUpride: true
JSUpride: I am still scared because of past happenings
emily runDMC: everybody's scared they'll get burned… but if you live your entire life being scared, you'll never do anything
JSUpride: your right
JSUpride: as always
emily runDMC: it's like riding a bike… you're gonna fall… but you have to fall in order to learn the process
emily runDMC: not always
emily runDMC: life is too short to be scared, you have to grab it by the coattails, or 10 years down the road, you'll regret every minute of it
JSUpride: what is your opinion on "dating" more than one person?
JSUpride: Not serious, just casually
emily runDMC: i don't know… if i were a pimp, i could answer that.. but i've never been in the situation… but…
JSUpride: lol
emily runDMC: knowing a girl's standpoint, i don't think i'd like it… because you'd feel jealous of the other i think… because you'd have to tell the other that you were doing it… if you didn't then they'll really be mad
emily runDMC: in my opinion anyways, that's how i would feel if the situation were in my court
JSUpride: yeah
emily runDMC: geez, how many people are you asking out? do you have a harem up there?
JSUpride: nope, just a quesion…
emily runDMC: ok
JSUpride: Do you know yet if you will be at NYWC?
emily runDMC: not sure… depends on the funds
emily runDMC: why
JSUpride: yeah
JSUpride: just wondering
emily runDMC: random, but when i know, i'll let you know
JSUpride: yeah it is my add kicking in
emily runDMC: i can see
JSUpride: 
JSUpride: lol
JSUpride: so does this guy you like have a name? you dont have to tell me if you dont wanna
emily runDMC: you know, i'd say i'd probably call him joe… because i've thrown the name around in conversation before with you…
JSUpride: lol
emily runDMC: are you trying to blackmail me with something? i don't understand all the questions…
JSUpride: I am just wondering that is all
emily runDMC: ok
emily runDMC: some of my closest friends have never been so curious… it's just out of my element
emily runDMC: sorry
JSUpride: no, I understand
emily runDMC: so what's your chick's name?
emily runDMC: (trying to even the score)
JSUpride: well one is Amy the other I will call ummm…."Joe" (jk)
emily runDMC: you're crazy
emily runDMC: i can't believe you have 2 girls you're wanting to hit up
emily runDMC: you're such a player
JSUpride: no, not a player, just interested in 2
JSUpride: Is there something wrong with that?
emily runDMC: no… but knowing girls, you have to pick… because they won't be happy if you share
JSUpride: I understand that, I guess I want to find the one that I am most compatable with, you know?
emily runDMC: yeah, i understand that completely
JSUpride: That is it
JSUpride: I know that all this is in Gods time but I am getting impatient, I am almost 29 and it gets old after a while you know….
emily runDMC: but you can't rush it… if you push it, then the other party might not be akin to the idea… besides, until you REALLY enjoy the single time that God has given you, you'll not be happy enough… and you might regret it later on
JSUpride: I know, but it sucks
JSUpride: I am just down tonight
emily runDMC: i understand… and possibly because i've been in this state longer than you… ha ha. but, you are given the time you have for a reason… you might never know it, but it's true.
emily runDMC: don't be down… downers suck
JSUpride: yeah I know
emily runDMC: a few mins ago, you were all excited because you were gonna ask some girl (or 2 or 20) out… what happened?
JSUpride: I dunno
JSUpride: I am tired of being scared, I am afraid of being hurt, again
JSUpride: I just dont EVER want to feel that again
emily runDMC: honestly, i know how you feel (not in the exact same situation, but something similar)… but you have to let go of it. don't let it take you over…
emily runDMC: chris, if the girl is right, it won't happen to you again… God knows your pain and your sorrow from that… he's not going to keep beating you down with that.
JSUpride: I know, but it is hard to see the light at the end of that tunnel sometimes
emily runDMC: you are his glory… we are all Christ personified… he wants you to shine him, so that requires ultimate joy…
emily runDMC: it's always hard… you're not the only one who feels that… but his long dark tunnels are there for lessons and dependence…
JSUpride: yeah that is true
JSUpride: I will get past this
emily runDMC: yeah, you will… and you'll be happier because of it
JSUpride: yeah I know
JSUpride: I am just impatient
emily runDMC: well, God doesn't like impatient people… 
emily runDMC: he's kind of a control freak, you know… ha ha
JSUpride: yeah I know
emily runDMC: (in a not-so-dimented-like-a-dictator kind of way)
JSUpride: hey, what you doing on Sept. 13th?
JSUpride: yeah He is cool like that
emily runDMC: most likely working… why
JSUpride: Till when?
JSUpride: Relient K and Audio A in H-Ville
emily runDMC: um, 6 maybe? no clue…
emily runDMC: dude, that'd be honest… but the scrooge has spoken: it takes gas money, and driving to get up there…
JSUpride: Yeah I know
JSUpride: just thought I'd let you know
emily runDMC: ahhh… well, thanks
emily runDMC: you should take your chick out
emily runDMC: to the concert
JSUpride: depends on what she says
emily runDMC: you should ask… i don't see why she wouldn't go… unless she has some kind of mental weird thing about youth minister dating
emily runDMC: have you decided if you're ever gonna get over your fear of asking joe or amy out?
emily runDMC: which, by the way, you're stealing my man…
JSUpride: yeah I know, I am mean like that
JSUpride: I feel better about it now
emily runDMC: why
JSUpride: just by talking to you and what you said to me, I guess it calmed me down some
emily runDMC: good
emily runDMC: i'm smart like that
JSUpride: lol
emily runDMC: maybe that's my curse of non-dating life… i'm too brilliant for those around me…
JSUpride: ha ha maybe
JSUpride: play dumb.
emily runDMC: no way… i don't want to act like some blubbering idiot… i'd rather be single
JSUpride: yeah I know
yep, so this is officially the longest post ever. i'm afraid that i'm really falling for chris. i don't know what it is about him. i feel so free with him. he's amazing. i can't describe it. it scares me about how i feel for him. i've never felt this deeply about someone… so connected… so overwhelmed with his heart and his life. i'm so intrigued by him.
and i told him that he intrigued me. i'm sure it sounded stupid. but i was shaking so bad and so nervous that i just didn't want to do anything… i couldn't even think straight. i wanted to throw up but profess my feelings all at the same time. it was strange. i was in rare form.
i'm scared he's gonna say that he doesn't want to try it because of the distance. i think that's crap. sorry… but i really do. i think that we really have something great. does he not see that? it's doable…
after all matt miller just said:
MattMilr: Long distance stuff is based COMPLETLY on trust. If there is anything but 100% trust there is no chance of it working out. You also have to be understanding and able to listen
MattMilr: Since you dont' get to see each other, being able to listen to what happened in their day and being able to relate to it is the only way you can be there to support them
MattMilr: I think those are the things that relationships are built out of, and they are the things that love grows out of
MattMilr: Long distance is hard, but doable.
i just really want to try it and see what happens. and if it doesn't work, we will still be friends. but we would be such a GREAT couple. a great couple.
i am going to sleep on it, and revel that i can't believe that he actually feels the same way. that makes me smile no matter what. and i can honestly say that i can be open about my feelings. g'night to myself, because this is a private entry.
apparently i have guts
i'd prefer it said that way better. why? because mary cat says that it was ballsy. i don't know how i feel about saying that about the situation. but whatever. i put my vulnerability on the line, and it was somewhat successful. and from this point on, i'm going to be vague. sorry. not ready to put it out any further. i'm vulnerable enough right now.
off the subject, if you don't love mary catherine as much as i do, you should. really. she's amazing. and GREAT at listening and giving a good fair honest opinion. and that is what i love about her. she's so real. i love you chick…
so, who knew. i have guts. apparently. well, according to mary catherine. right now, i think i'm an idiot for doing what i did. but, it's done. it can't be reversed so what can i do about it? nothing. just wait to see what the end of the means will be.
i hope that they're good. i really do. i hope there are no repercussions.
so today i worked. it was the same as always. but today i got to wear jeans, and i was way more excited about it than i should have been. i'm kind of partial to jeans-and-a-tshirt emily. well, who am i kidding… i'm way partial. i'm not a big fan of dressing up all of the time. it only seemed like a lot this week, because i worked everyday though. next week, it will only be 3 days.
i'm up way late. and i'm glad. i've had a pretty good night. after work, i went to pelham to visit some long time friends. a family that i was extremely close to at riverchase. and that was good. we laughed, caught up, and ate dinner, chatted more and then watched the olympics. yep, i finally got into it. i was watching the badminton gold medal game between s. korea and s. korea. strange stuff, but really intriguing. after that, trampoline… i about had a heart attack when they almost hit the sides. at least i know that i have compassion and concern… that's good, right? anyways, i came home and watched phelps get his like 5th gold. good stuff.
the andrews' house (the visit tonight) is so comfortable to me. they make me feel so at home. and they love me for who i am, who i'm becoming, who i've been. they've been some of my biggest supporters, and that is huge. they've always been there, in prayer, in visits, emails or just phone conversations. theresa (the mom) was my prayer partner at riverchase. still to this day we catch up to do the same. i take away amazing things from our friendship. anyways, it was the best time. and it was so comfortable… just great.
'don't forget to hold up my arms like moses in the desert when the battle went long
and hold up my arms we can go at this together when my arms aren't strong…
i want you to know, that i am prouder than a pecan bake, you light me up like a birthday cake when you walk in the room,
and i just want to make you proud, so baby when i let you down, what i need you to do is hold up my arms…'
'i'll do my best… to try to do my very best for you, that's the very best that i can do, it's the best i can use…'
andy peterson… my hero. thanks for your inspiration.
i'm really hungry, but i'm not gonna eat. that'd be bad, because i'm about to go to bed.
times, they are a-changin'
today i've had dylan's song in my head. and strangely enough, parts of it were in my day. today shall be 'ode to dylan day.'
'come gather round people wherever you roam, admit that the waters around you have grown, accept that soon you will be drenched to the bone, if time to you is worth saving, then you better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone, for the times, they are a-changing.'
tonight was the kairos class sunday school bbq. it was great. good people, really good food, and even better fellowship. it was so nice to actually have adult-ish conversation. although, i was so intimidated at first, because i didn't know how to act. i've been with students almost 24/7 for the past 2 1/2 years of my life. it was definitely a change in atmosphere. but a good one.
'come writers and critics, come prophesy with your pens, and keep your eyes wide, the chance won't come again, and don't speak too soon, for the wheels still in spin, and there's no telling who that it's naming for the loser now will be later to win, for the times they are a-changing.'
so today i had a great chance at being silent and listening. i didn't speak before i thought. and the conversations were great. they weren't one sided, very balanced. i like the 'silence is golden' theme. it works out nicely. it was a change from what i was used to doing… but again, a good one. and an insightful one as well.
'come senators congressmen, please heed the call, don't stand in the doorway, don't block up the hall for he who gets hurt will be he who has stalled, the battle is outside raging, it will soon shake your windows and rattle your walls for the times they are a-changing.'
before summer, and maybe a little bit of summer, i decided that i hated politics. but after close viewing, i've decided that they are intriguing. they are far more important that i'd ever thought before. and while i still haven't figured out which side i'm on (do i really have to have a side?), i enjoy hearing about it. it's different… and i like it. i like having an opinion that can be discussed.
'come mothers and fathers, throughout the land, and don't criticize what you can't understand cause your sons and your daughters are beyond your command, your old road is rapidly aging, so get out of the new one if you can't lend your hand, for the times, they are a-changing.'
i really wish that i could tell my family who i really am. there's so much that has changed… so much that makes me who i am. but, they choose to ignore it, or put it aside as if it isn't important. i'm not just a daughter or a sister, i'm an artist, a life-liver, a flip-flop wearer, a hopeless romantic, a painter, an art critic, a social butterly, a mute, a public speaker, a follower, a leader, a big heart, a leaver, a whiner, a perseverant, a dependent, an independent, a democrat, a republican, sometimes a libertarian, a wishful thinker, a conservative, a liberal, a dreamer. there are so many things they don't know. i wish they'd take time to know. it's such a change from high school, where i thought everything i was told… now it's hard to keep from telling what i think.
'the line it is drawn, the curse it is cast, the slow one now will later be fast as the present now will later be past, the order is rapidly fading, and the first one now will later be last for the times, they are a-changing.'
things that i worry about now will soon pass on. they will be miniscule in hindsight, and i'll make fun of myself for making a big deal. i know i will. i laugh now about things i did 2 years ago. i wonder too much… i overanalyze at times. i have to remember to enjoy the time i have now and don't let go. the coattails are flying fast, and i must hold on before i lose them and regret it.
yesterday i made a declaration to stop worrying about certain situations that are bugging me. and now, that i've declared it, it's as if they are banging at my door. geez. seriously, i want to stop thinking about it. why does it all have to be so difficult and grey? the world is so much easier if it's black or white. i want clarity people… something that isn't vague, isn't crazy and stupid… argh.
i was feeling all cool and collective about things until i started to post and those distractions came up again, via whatever. now i feel angry that it won't leave me alone. i want peace. i really want to feel ok… all of this ruckus is making me nervous and sick to my stomach. i feel sick… i think i'm about to throw up.
silence is golden
today was work for 7 hours, with no lunch. i felt so powerful. yep, even as a file clerk. why? because i organized the file area… emily style. it's so neat and clean. and that makes me a happier worker.
i've been thinking about quietness lately. caitlin even mentioned it in her journal. something about benedictine silences. i'd like to think that i have somewhat some of those during my work time. i don't speak much at all at work… or at school for that matter. i'm there. and that's it. people don't ask for my opinion, so i'm less tempted to always give it. i usually find myself filing away thinking about the thousands of things that i could possibly think about. things like:
-how hot will it be today? how hot is it right now?
-different options of clothing
-did i put that file in the right spot?
-why did we base filing on a numerical system?
-i wonder why these people are being filed away
-what would it be like to be a lawyer?
-what would happen if i didn't have a phone?
-how did i manage to get the friends that i have?
-what do i want to do with my life?
-how can i eat better?
-what do i want to eat for dinner?
-should i go get a soda? am i that thirsty?
-gosh this area is not clean
-what would the world be like if only apples were the computer world?
-do i want to do graphic design forever?
-do i want to double major?
-what about grad school?
-which looks better on paper, black or blue ink?
-what happened to hyper color?
-why do styles recycle themselves?
-i wonder about getting another cat
-i am glad that i don't have a small licky dog
-i wonder when i'll go back up to the lake
-i wish that i had a stapler at my desk
-i wish that i could have music playing while i work
-how i really want to see 'the bourne supermacy'
-what i want to do for labor day
-how much time i spend on the phone
-how little time i really want to spend on the phone
-what it would be like to be a hermit
-what it would be like to be an advertising exec
-do blondes really have more fun?
-are pictures really worth a thousand words? is there a limit?
-what does Jesus think of some of our prayers?
-what does colorado look like?
-how i really want to go to spain
-how i really want to live somewhere different
-how i really want to be close to home though
-how free my feet feel in flip flops
-can lightning strike more than twice in a spot?
-what does synchronized swimming accomplish?
-can you really not eat just one lay's potato chip?
-how did music come about?
-what would the US be like if we had siestas in the middle of the day?
-houston, did they really have a problem?
-what it would be like in space
-is the egg really incredible and edible? even at camp?
-what is life really all about?
-what we are really here for on earth.
those are just a few. but, it keeps me occupied. although scary to think that i think a lot more now. it's still really a good thing. i think more before i speak. i educate myself on subjects more now. it's therapy. ha ha.
i've come to figure out that once i make up my mind, something tries to jump in the way. take for instance 2 situations.
so i did well on the teller assessment yesterday, but i had already decided against it. i'm calling tomorrow to decline the offer. but, it was a good experience. it helped me appreciate my love for a job that is saturday-less. but, i can't say that i wasn't tempted to go for it. i need stability and constance. not changes again.
after my frustration with a certain guy, i had decided that i was tired of it. and that i would not call and chat for ANY reason. i did well. i went over a week without speaking. he called today. i talked for a while, but found myself frustrated. i've now decided that i'm still stepping back from the situation and i'm not overanalyzing things, even if things were said that could be misconstrued. they're off the table. it may be possible but not until i'm the one being pursued. it's too much of a hassle otherwise. until then… i'm all about me and Jesus.
so, 2 situations in the same day after i had made up my mind. i was settled. funny how things go sometimes.
school starts next week. and seriously it's making me crazy to wait.
tomorrow is work, a trip down to uab to the wesley to visit deb welsh, and then a barbecue with the sunday school class. i have to go to bed now. 6 a.m. is early. love you. g'night.
assessing the situation
so this morning i had an assessment for a teller position.
since then, i've assessed the job situation.
even though my job may be boring at times and i can't listen to music (argh…), it's perfect. i don't have to work on weekends. and i can make my own hours, and work as much or as little as i want. and i like that.
besides, i may want to head out to nashville for a weekend out on the town with friends… or maybe to hilton head for the weekend. no clue. but, if i have to be subject to working saturdays, then it's a big no for all the weekend fun.
so, come what may, i'm sticking to filing for a while. we'll see how it goes anyways.
it's driving me crazy about not seeing 'the bourne supremacy' yet. i've got to go see it. but all my buds have already seen it. i guess i'll have to go alone… but i don't want to. i don't have a problem with it, but this time, i just don't want to go by myself.
i found out today that i was 1/10th of a point from making the dean's list. it would have been the first time in history for me. actually, making more than a 2.5 is history for me in a semester. good stuff. so now that's my goal for the fall semester… dean's list. i'll be trying hard.
i hate it when you think that people could be avoiding you. i'm sure i know why… but it bugs me. not that i'm admitting i never do it. i do. but, it bothers me.
anyways. i'm out… i'm making big plans to start my early mornings tomorrow so i'll be ready for when schools starts. 6 a.m. is early. yuck. love you. g'night.
restlessness
why is it that when everyone i know stayed up all summer long until 2 or 3 a.m. and i would be tired around 10 p.m.
now, it's the complete opposite. for the 2nd night in a row, i'm up around 2 a.m. and that bothers me.
it will royally suck when i have to start back to classes, and i have to be in tuscaloosa by 8 a.m. yuck.
by the way, in case you didn't know, right in the middle of the movie 'chasing liberty' is the song 'stop the rock.' it made me smile big… of course, that was one of the only parts that i really liked about the movie. it was your average teeny-bop romance, i can fall in love completely in 3 days kinda movie. who would really believe all of that?
this is my 2nd post tonight. and i'm not sure why. i just wanted to vent my frustrations of no-sleep. even andy is probably asleep by now. but, that's ok. at least i guess it is.
i'm waiting for my big thing to happen. who knows what it will be or when or where… but i'm waiting for it. in high hopes too. i know it'll be amazing… i just know. i can feel it.
why do we always have to think in realist terms? i know that it's good to know what can or can't happen… but, why do we condemn the big huge dreams that people hang on to so tightly? what's wrong with dreaming? what's wrong with idealism? we study about it every day in literature… it's part of our history. our country started because of people who dreamt big. so tell me what's so wrong with that.
i have big dreams. i own them. i want them to come true. not for anyone else's means, not because anyone else wants me to do something… but because i want it to happen. i want to dream. and if it never comes true, i'll still be happy… because my dreams have pushed me to make something out of nothing… to make me work harder… to make me able to face failure… to make me stronger. and if they do come true, then i'm just the happiest person alive.
could it really happen?
i just finished watching 'the butterfly effect' and all i can think about is… could that really happen? is that possible?
it's amazing to walk away from that movie knowing that your decisions have a huge impact on your future. and while i knew that somewhat, it does make me a little fearful of a time when i will have a big decision to make. but, i guess that's good… it keeps me on my toes.
…it is history, let it go.
i have a horrible problem with thinking back and wishing to change some of the major things that i have decided to do. for example, i look back and wish that i had not started college the way that i did… that i would have had a different roommate freshman year… that i would have been more studious… that i would have listened to my heart and not my head. i wonder what i would be doing now. i'm sure nothing of the sort that i am doing now.
had i kept with the path, i would probably be all up in the world of advertising, driving a volvo, living in a big city, with 2.5 kids, and a corner office. when i entered school, i was prepared to claw my way up… to be powerful. i wanted it all. of course, it was all so materialistic. and so was my faith. it was in my head. i didn't feel it. i just knew it. and i had a problem with telling others how they were wrong in it.
if i could go back and change those decisions, i would not have found the freedom in my faith that i have now… or the ability to speak and think for myself and not just what i've always been told to do… i wouldn't have the amazing friends that i've found along the way… i would never know camp, or the people of camp. i would never know the intrigue of living in the moment or completely depending on God for the next breath or penny.
but, what if there was something in there that would have changed it, and i could have both. i wonder what could happen.
'made speculations on the who's and the when's of our futures
and how everyone is lonely, but still we just couldn't complain
and how we just hate being alone, could i have missed my only chance
now i'm just wasting my time, by looking around…
you know i know better, i'm not gonna worry about nothing,
cause if the birds and the flowers survive, then i'll make it ok
given a chance and a rock, see which one breaks the window,
see which one keeps me up all night and into the day
because i'm so scared of being alone, but i forget what house i live in
it's not my job to wait by the phone…
this day's been crazy but everything has happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold to the drink that i spilled on my shirt
you knew how you'd save me before i fell dead in the garden
you knew this day long before you made me out of dirt
you know the plans you have for me,
and you can't plan the ends and not plan the means
and so i suppose i just need some peace just to get me to sleep'
i totally believe in divine intervention… that God chose each moment for a reason… that all of my interactions are for a reason. but i can't help but wonder why he chose to do it the way he did… couldn't he have cut out a few years that i seemed to have wasted?
i am happy with who i am. i am happy with the people that surround me. i am happy of where i am (most of the time). but, it's ok to wonder right?
i am so anxious to get started with my life after school. but, it seems so far away. not the undergrad part, because it'll be next christmas when that happens, which doesn't seem so far… but the certification process of teaching, it seems so far.
i wonder how my life would be different in 3 years from now than it has been in the past 2 years. things are so different right now at this moment than they were 3 months ago from this moment.
off the subject, just because i feel like i've just gotten a bombshell thrown at me… it would be a wonderful world if everyone was honest and could possibly own up to mistakes made and not always blame it on others just because it's convenient. it comes around, and then you could possibly look like a fool. just a thought.
ok, today has been pretty uneventful. lots of movie watching… and sleep. so i'm about to go to bed for real. love you all… g'night.
wonderful wasted day
right now, at this very moment, the pat mcgee band show is beginning… and i'm not there. but i chose not to be. and it's nice.
i have been so lazy today. and that has been so wonderful.
i got my grades today, well one of them. hopefully the other will be up tomorrow.
now i'm tired. so i'm going to be lazy again. yeah, lazy, and it's the greatest thing i have done this week.
a call-in type of day
i called in to work today. i know, i'm a horrible person. but seriously, after the 'from hell' day that it began out as, i really wanted to just lounge around today. i told them that i needed a day of nothing to recoup. and they said ok. so, that's good i guess.
after i did that, i got a call from my best friend mollie. she was passing through headed up to florence and wanted to visit for about 10-15 minutes. so, we agreed, but we did it over lunch at jim 'n nick's. when i got there, jonathon (her man) was there too! i was so excited! and then after hugs, she popped up her left hand… yep, she's engaged. i'm so happy for her… AND, i will have a new best-friend-in-law. words cannot convey my excitement. i was totally giddy. then, jonathon bought my lunch. it was a half day of surprises!
after lunch i went to get a TB test done. mainly because i'm looking into getting my substitute teaching certification. i've decided that i would much rather do that than file things. so, i'll be getting a packet by monday and turning it in. so, that has made me so happy to think that i may be doing that in a matter of weeks. joy!
when i got home, i played around on my computer, updated my website, and looked around for other jobs out of curiosity. i have an interview with amsouth on tuesday for a teller. well, it's an assessment. i'll go, but i doubt that i'll end up doing that if i have the sub job. who knows. i don't. yep, sure don't. i'm about to poke out my eyeballs with my current job. and yes, it's a job, and i'm keeping it until i know what i'm gonna be doing. and if i'm supposed to keep it, i will. just right now, i need something that will keep me from falling asleep, which is what i want to do when i'm there.
also looking at the possibility of taking 19 hours in the fall. yes, i'm crazy. but i want to get done. i'm getting too old to be doing this STILL.
i called my friend melissa today too, and we decided to go to a movie. we saw 'little black book' at the rave in vestavia. great movie. i'm still a little flabergasted though that i didn't even expect what would happen. but i liked the plot extreme. it made it interesting… and it made me really glad that i've never been that mean. yikes. so i ended up leaving feeling good about myself.
we came back and ate dinner at the house with my parents. it was like being back in high school, except melissa talked twice as much as me (in high school, it was completely reversed). we came downstairs and watched 'love actually' and then sat around chatting till about 20 minutes ago. it was great. i always love talking about the most random things with her…
today has been a fabulous day… no work, 2 friend visits, 2 movies, 3 free meals, new job possibilities. it's good stuff.
love you all… g'night.
finally some rest
summer semester is now in the past. and i consider myself mentally exhausted. i'm so glad to get to rest for a few days.
although, i must admit that i'm not resting that much… i'm still up, and should have already gone to bed. plus, i went ahead and bought my books today. mainly to get ahead on my lit class. yeah, i know… i'm a nerd. i don't know what to do with all the dorkiness that has crept into my life. i was never like this in high school. i figured that it would pass during the summer. but, it hasn't. now i'm just worried.
just for clarification, today has been one of the most frustrating days in a while. and that being said, i really don't want to talk about it.
i did go to city cafe today. and that was a moment of peace. joe, if you ever read this, you HAVE to go to city cafe… cheap food, and lots of it. you definitely have to go. great place.
i went to the education department today to explore all of my options for certification. so, me and the advisor there both decided that i should stay on my current path, graduate in dec 2005 and then work on my certification post graduation. who knows, for an extra few hours, if i have the gpa, which i doubt i will, i may get the alternative certification and the masters. hmm… no clue. but, i do know that those plans now exist in the future.
now that you know that i've bought books… you should know that they are way too expensive. seriously, whoever thought of the book business and all must be rolling in the money, because now i am not. and, i still have one more book to buy that won't be in until sept. 1. geez. school is a leach…
i've begin to own the life that has changed so much in the past 3 months. i am really enjoying now. i think mainly because i've placed myself in areas where i feel settled in. that's always a good thing. i'm so excited about what may come about now. the best thing is that i have no idea.
ok, so extent of nerdiness, i'm taking disciple starting aug. 29. and i'm super excited. i definitely can't wait. ok, i'm the biggest nerd.
i'm about to fall over right now with exhaustion, so i'm going to bed… sleeping until 9 in the morning, and going to work at 10. woohoo. love you all… g'night.
