love for drummers
ok… so drummers are great. i told andy this earlier. i think it scared him, because he disappeared. in high school, i always wanted to date our drumliners at school. not that the case is the same now. personally, i think i'm into accordion players now. nah… that's creepy. or something.
i went to dinner with my bro. i love spending time with him. he's the only family member that i can be completely real with… and he doesn't care. he loves me for that. i told him the worst joke tonight, and i think that his impression of me grew even greater, because he loves crude mean jokes. he's super. and he comes around a lot now. either that, or he's more accessible now that i'm back in birmingham. he's become one of my best friends over the years, and from out of nowhere too. and i love it.
tomorrow is my math test. the last one. i'm also gonna see if i can take my final too. because i have the final scheduled for 2 pm on friday. and that's it. the test will take some 30 minutes, and i don't want to drive down to tuscaloosa for that. come on… i love the town and all, but i don't know about driving an hour down there and an hour back to take a 30 minute test. so, that's making me so sick to my stomach right now. i don't care about the class… i'm just praying for a C. that's all i need, and then i'm DONE with math for my college career. 
our spanish final is saturday morning at 8 am! oh my… so early. i don't know if i'll make it… that's so stinkin' early. i was so mad today in spanish. i got my test back, and i was 3/4 point away from having an A on it. argh. i have an 88 in the class. i'd really like an A. that'd just make my day, you know? an A coming back into college after a 2 year vacation. it'd be dreamy!
i had some great conversations today. i have this huge problem with forgiveness, right? so there are 2 people that i'm really having to TRY to be nice to talk with… i love them as people, but as soon as you let me down (and it's gotta be a pretty large let-down), i have a really hard time trusting. this is the case with these 2 people that have nothing to do with each other… anyways, i fessed up and called the first one, who used to be one of my closest people when i was at riverchase. she's just given birth to her 3rd son. they are doing great. i miss her, and i realized it when i talked to her today. she invited me over to visit as soon as i get the chance. that was nice of her.
the other is a little less painful, because i started the process a few months ago. but, it's hard… i got my feelings hurt really badly on this one. and it's one of those situations where you try to be just friends with that guy, and other feelings develop. it went crazy last fall when i was at a convention at the same time. anyways, from that point on, i didn't want to speak with him. so in… march, maybe?, i called him and chatted. he asked why i hadn't answered emails and IM's and so i felt like i should tell the story, so i did. and that was good, because i usually don't fess up when it's my fault. ha ha… yeah, it's a little pride problem. anyways, i talked to him today too. he's a great guy… lots of fun. and i hope that our friendship will continue to get better, regardless of how stupid i act…
so tomorrow, holli mack and i are 'road-trippin' in some strange way. and that's all i am sayin' about that.
and… that's all i have for now. oh, and i should remember my running pants, t-shirt and running shoes so i can go to the rec tomorrow. because the new rec… it's nice, and since i basically contributed to the $24 million renovation out of my tuition, i figure i might as well take advantage of it.
back in the saddle
come hell, rain, tornado or high water, i feel like i'm back in the saddle… giddyup.
speaking of tornadoes, i feel like i sat through one tonight as i enjoyed the becoming tradition of coldstone with holli mack. the wind was blowing so hard… things were flying everywhere. in the midst, i found that i'm always amazed by holli, by her faith, and by her strength. she has a compassion for all and a love for things that i dream of and i find myself somewhat jealous of sometimes. but, i'm excited for her and the things that she has in store. it's exciting… and her ministry endeavors will be incredible… i can't wait.
i'm constantly amazed by things that my friends tell me. i guess on the outside where others are concerned, i'm an optimist (most of the time). but, as far as i'm concerned with myself, i am somewhat of a pessimist. i don't think that i can do it usually, and i feel like a failure. i always have to see what others around me think of what i'm doing. i don't do it for praise, i just want to know that i'm not failing miserably. is that bad? well, today, i feel like a failure, especially where math is concerned. people keep telling me that i shouldn't be doing bad in it. and all of those people are engineers. well, geez… wonder why it comes easy for them. i'm not a form following function kinda girl. i like art… i like chaos and flying by the seat of my pants (most of the time)… being spontaneous. that's me. therefore, math and i cannot get along on its terms. and we all know, that math is not willing to bend over for me. all this to say… what's the freakin' point with math 112. i mean, i've been out in the real world, and there is NO math like that out there in the world that i'd be in. math doesn't like me. i'm trying. i just don't understand it. in all truth, math is harder to figure out than men. no lie.
anyways, back to the amazement of friends' encouragement. one of my best friends brian told me tonight that he has faith in me to pass the class. at this point, i'm not so sure, because i'm bombing it as of now. ha ha. but, no matter what, he said he's not giving up on me in school. and he doesn't want me to get frustrated and leave school over math. are you kidding me? no way i'd give math that much credit. i love spanish too much. ha ha. way too much. it's a romance, a love affair… i love some spanish.
i talked tonight of dreams and hopes with holli mack. of uncertain futures that may carry me away from the familiarities of this life that i have now. to experience first hand other cultures and get away from the close-mindedness that seems to surround me. of hopes to affect those in whom i come in contact with faith that is real and not just crammed in with hopes of saving souls and leaving them behind, just to increase numbers, but to infect them with the love and grace of a faith that sustains come what may. big dreams. high hopes. and an amazing God that can make anything happen.
i've become saturated with what God may have in store one day. each and every day of spanish makes me more and more excited about the possibilities that are on the way. i'm just so impatient. i want to know it all now. i want to do business with God and find out the details, but he only has plans to hang out with me right now. i can't help but be irritated with that sometimes, because i want to be about God's work… and nothing else. but right now, he's got nothing on the boards except hang time. and i'm having a hard time slowing down to do that. that means that i have to stop. why doesn't that come easily?
i talked to my prayer partner today. it is always so encouraging to talk to her. she and her family have loved me regardless of what stupid thing comes out of my mouth or wherever i move. i've known her for more than 2 years now, and she can call me out like nobody's business. and today she did. it was piercing, but exactly what i needed to hear. i need to stop. i need to crawl into his lap and hang out. i need to shut up and quit saying what i think would be great and listen up to what he thinks would be great. but that takes time. and i need time more than anything right now. i need to be loved though. badly.
'savior, more than life to me,
i am clinging, clinging close to thee,
let thy precious blood apply,
keep me ever, ever near thy side.
every day, every hour, let me feel thy cleansing power…
through this changing world below,
lead me gently, gently as i go,
trusting thee i cannot stray,
i can never, never lose my way.
every day, every hour, let me feel thy cleansing power…
let me love thee more and more
till this fleeting, fleeting life is o'er
till my soul is lost in love
in a brighter, brighter world above
every day, every hour, let me feel thy cleansing power… every day.'
this is my prayer Lord… don't pass me by. hold me close. i need it so much.
endings are better…
well, today didn't start off well, but it has glimmers of hope.
i watched a lot of t.v. today. and i laid around all day. so, it was a pretty unproductive day. really unproductive.
my bro & sis-in-law came over for dinner, and we had a huge family dinner. it was great. full of crude humor and slams on each other. it was great. it was the first time that i had sat down with my entire family over the weekend. it's a shame it was at the end of it. nonetheless, i'm glad that it happened. because i love my family. well, most of the time.
after that, things turned a little sour, with arguments and all. the good thing is this: my family refuses to let it slide and demands that it be fixed. so, that is a great thing.
i got to thinking about the whole fourth of july thing. i got very aggravated last night at what was said at the fireworks display. it was hosted by my bro's church, first baptist. their pastor got up and was talking about how we should pray blessing for the US. as i got to thinking about it more and more, i got more mad. and then i got to reading… as winston put it (as brian said it at camp), we confuse blessing with privilege. who are we to say that we are blessed and people who don't have running water aren't?
but the worst part was later. he had a scripture out and said that he wanted to pray it for america. he said he would replace the words 'jerusalem' and 'judah' with 'america.' at this thought, i'm a little worried, because i'm a little bit of a dispensationalist. he states that it's always good to pray scripture, because you will always be praying the will of God if you are praying the word of God. maybe i'm wrong (and if i am, feel free to let me know), but i don't think that is always the case. the scripture was from daniel. daniel was a prophet, and i believe that the exact scripture was MEANT for jerusalem and judah, not for america. i found myself a little aggravated. i felt as if he were saying that you can have whatever you like, as long as you find scripture that can back it. God is not a wish-granter. there's a reason that america has become the way it is… hmmm… i guess i just feel like we don't have the right to cut and paste God's word to make it a warm fuzzy for ourselves. or according to my family, maybe i'm liberal. ha ha.
ok… so i finished the evening with a conversation with my partner in crime… it is always so great to talk to her. it has made the end of my day so much better than it started. that… and i feel better. i'm ready for school tomorrow… although, not math, just spanish. and work starts tomorrow. and i'll have air conditioning while driving the tahoe. wahoo. life is on the up and up. lovely.
independence day
so, this has officially been the most boring independence day ever.
no, really.
and it happens that way when you're sick. i've had a total of 6 conversations today, 5 of them were over the phone. the only in-person conversation i had was for about 2 minutes when i was coming back in the house and my bro & sis-in-law were about to leave the house. they came over to grab the 2 ft. long sparklers to light.
that to me is incredibly boring and miserable.
however, i did go see a killer fireworks show put on for the city of gardendale. and, it was lit up by a family friend freddy barry. he shoots the best shows i've ever seen. he used to do the baron's ever fourth, but he only does a few shows a year now. it was an amazing night to watch. around 7:30 i saw the most incredible sunset that i've seen in a really long time. and then the fireworks show. it was a day for lots of great camera shots… but i had no film.
i've watched t.v. all day long. it's been so quiet around here. i don't like it much.
i hope that i will feel better soon. i feel like everything i've posted for the past couple of days is so not interesting… i mean, i know that it's not, but i'd love to be able to post something fun, IF something fun were to actually happen.
i still wish that i could have gone to church this morning. i need church. i need a church. bad. real bad.
in more ways than one
i feel bad this morning for a few reasons.
first, i woke up around 4:10 sick this morning. i was hoping that it had passed. but, it didn't. so i was up for about 30 minutes this morning. it was not good. the really bad thing is… i know what is wrong, and i can't go to the doctor right now because of reasons stated later.
second, because i got up so early, i slept in. yeah, i missed church. i just didn't want to get up. at all. i wanted to lay in the bed and die. but i really wanted to go to church. this is the 2nd week that i've missed.
third, i just got a major blow via finances this morning, and now i'm mad that i could have known a little more about it had the correct people informed me of the ENTIRE situation, but they didn't. so now i'm left completely unable to fix it for at least a week.
fourth, the previous occasion will now make me even more sick to my stomach because of what will have to happen to fix it. ugh.
fifth, because of finances and the change that has to happen with insurance that hasn't happened yet, i'm not going to the doctor. the other reason i'm not wanting to go is to hear the dreaded words that he said he might have to say one day if this kept going on. and i don't know if i have the strength aside from everything else to take it.
sixth, it's now 12:15, and i should be headed to the lake, but i don't know if i want to. i just want to feel better.
last, i feel really isolated right now, and i'm not sure why. i think everything going on right now is more than i really want to handle. well, not more than i want to handle… but it IS more than i can handle. i know that everything isn't like set in stone about all of it yet, but if it were, i'm more scared than i've ever been before in my life.
if only life could be put on the backburner for a while. right now, i wish that i had a real lap to crawl into and cry for a while.
flotillas and food
i headed up to the lake finally today. it took me a while, because i didn't want to go until i felt a little better. so i headed up around noon. the worst thing about the lake is that you ALWAYS eat too much. and that i did… why? well, it's the holidays. that and we were working our tails off outside trying to decorate the pontoon for the flotilla. we finished right as we needed to leave.
it was so much fun waving at so many people… it's almost like being in a homecoming parade in high school, except it's community, because you almost know every single person out on the piers that you pass. it was so wonderful. it was so cool seeing my grandad and grandmom chillin on the boat and waving at everyone. why was it cool? because they REALLY know everyone there. they make it a point to do that. i swear, they are the king and queen of the lake. no lie.
after the flotilla was over (there were about 20 boats decorated for it), there was a gigantic "pot-luck" dinner at the anchor for the entire community. so, everyone gathered… mostly because everyone wants to hear who placed what from the pier & flotilla contests. they called out the lists for the flotillas… 3rd place, 2nd place, 1st place… i was bummed, because i thought that we would have at least had one of the spots… because our flotilla was so creative. i mean, come on… me and my sister-in-law looked like we were dumping tea into the "harbor."
the mayor came up to speak. he was talking about the trophy, and who it was going to… and then he announced "nelms!" what??? i thought the trophy went to the 1st place. nope… we won the grand prize. my grandparents' faces were glowing! it was so great… especially to see everyone so happy to see them win it… they were screaming and yelling for them. it was incredible!
we ate… and i ate way too much. and way too much stuff that i'm not supposed to eat. but dang, it was so good.
then, we took the pontoon back out over to the hamby's to watch fireworks. it was lovely…
i love being with my family. i'll be headed back tomorrow after church to see even more! my aunt & uncle from ttown will be up, my cousin who had surgery this week will be coming home to the lakehouse to hang out (her parents will also be joining us). almost our entire family will be there, minus my cousin and her boyfriend who went to visit some of his fam up in lexington. i love my family. they are incredible, and i'd never ask for anything more. they are my roots. in them i find strength, hope and love. they are stepping stones in the path of life.
irony moment of the day that made me want to poke out my eyeballs: my sister-in-law trying to make me look for guys out on the lake to marry. she said that she feels it's her duty to get me married off now, because it's past my time. wow… thanks a lot there. make me feel like crap in front of everyone. i politely (well, not really) told her that i don't want her help. and that i'd much rather wait on whomever to come instead of seeking him out or making bad decisions along the way. she said a couple of other things that were offensive to me, and i think that i let her know that i didn't appreciate it, because she hushed finally. herein lies my question… just because you're married, why do you feel like everyone should immediately be just like you? maybe, JUST MAYBE, some people are happy right now being just who they are, without any baggage other than their own to handle. for once, just be understanding that i'm happy in my lot… and i can be happy even if i'm not in the same boat.
i'm going to bed, because i think that the sun fried too many brain cells out on the boat today.
worth a thousand words.
there are times in your life that make you so happy that you sit around and browse the internet for a while. like this one:
<img src="http://img58.photobucket.com/albums/v178/DMCemily/myownpics/c0b6695f.jpg" align="Middle">
who is this? yeah, this is my all time favorite singer/songwriter david crowder. and do you happen to know just where he took this picture? in bessemer, alabama… at visionland. i pass that place every day. it makes me happy to think that even birmingham can be a playground for dave. and you know that there is some hilarious story to go with it.
anyways, i found out the other day that my bro scored free 5th row tickets a concert where dc*b will be the special guests. that's good… i can go at the beginning and then leave, because i have no desire to see mercy me. it's like an aversion… i can hear something of theirs for 2 seconds and it makes me want to throw up. not because their music is necessarily bad, it's not bad, but one song in a setting that was painful allows me to completely be overcome with sickness when i hear their music. michael w. smith is also supposed to be there (which is why my mom wants to go), but i've seen him before, and his music just isn't really my style.
speaking of sickness, that's how i feel right now. i was supposed to go to the lake last night, but declined because i didn't feel too hot. now, i'm procrastinating until i feel a little better to go this morning. the good thing is… i have the tahoe for a week. yay.
this afternoon is the flotilla. i can't wait. i love that thing. i've decided that i'll probably come home tonight, which means that i won't be going to the church i planned on going to this weekend. my grandparents want everyone who is at the lake on sunday morning to go to church with them, which is another reason why i want to come home on saturday night. i just can't bear going to their church… it's so… yuck. i can't even put words to it. i always feel like i'm going to be damned to hell if i go in there, because dare i say it, i prefer the methodist church and sometimes, i question God… and they just can't understand that. last time i went, people asked me what i did, because my grandparents are all up in their church. i told them i was a youth minister at a methodist church, and they had looks of horror. it's a matter of i'd rather go and worship than try to worship while being belittled by the congregants.
my friend mollie may come up today… i hope that she does. although i hope that i feel better too. because right now… yeah, not so hot.
the medicine does seem to be kickin' in though, so it shouldn't be long before i head up to oneonta.
wish it weren't so
last night i had the most amazing conversation with one of my best friends brian. in college, he was always very conservative and kind of set in his ways, not in a bad mind set, but it was just that way. in fact, the other night that we all went out, we were all making crude (and inappropriate mind you) jokes to each other, but hiding it from brian. not because he's not fun or anything, but because we didn't want to offend him or cause some kind of raucousness. did i even use that word right?
anyways, so i had a great conversation. i talked to him for almost an hour, which is impressive, because we usually only talk for 20 minute segments. we were talking about future plans for our lives. he was saying how much he wanted to go back to school and get an MBA. at that point, he started saying how proud of me he was that i'm going back to school, with seminary plans in the future. coming from him, i was floored. he always seemed like he had a problem with me being in ministry when i first got there, and for a little while… especially with the whole going into the methodist church. and last night i was floored by the comments he made toward it! he was so incredibly supportive and i would have never seen it coming. he actually let me bring down my guard for just a few minutes, and i trusted him with my heart for just a few moments. i haven't done that in years. i've always been too afraid.
the one thing that i hate about brian is that he always pushes me… he pushes me out of my mindset into one that i am usually afraid to go into. it makes me really mad when he argues with me about things that i SHOULD be thinking more open minded on. it makes me mad, because me being the methodist should be that person, but he always seems to find something that i haven't completely thought out and he springs it on me causing a big long drawn out debate that all of our friends hate to hear. but, no matter what, i never get mad (after the fact… in the heat of the argument, i'm spitting fire) when it's all over. i'm glad to have had the dispute, because i feel like i've been challenged to think outside the box. and that's good for me. it's very good for me. that is one of the greatest things about him, although mid-argument, i'd never reveal that.
my friday night plans had been altered prior to our conversation. he asked about my plans for the 4th, and i told him i'd probably just go to the lake for the weekend. well, here is when it all seems to go downhill. he asks me if i want to come down to jackson to hang out during the weekend. well, of course i want to, because i rarely see this cat, because he lives in dallas. so i suggest that maybe i'll come down sunday after church and spend the night with his family and then leave on monday. he says that it won't work that way, because he wants to hang out with his grandparents, which is way cool with me… because grandparents are awesome.
then, he suggests to come down on friday night when everyone else is coming down. so i think about it, and tell him to call me today before 2:30 and let me know what his plans will be so i know what to do. he calls me today during my class, when he knows he can't talk to me (which makes me mad on one point). he leaves a message that says that he wants to have guys night tonight, because some of the other girls aren't coming down until saturday. he suggests to come down for the day on saturday.
here's the other mad point… he knows that i've already made my plans for saturday afternoon. so, he knows that i can't come down. i call him back and tell him that, and he says that i sound mad… no, just disappointed. disappointed that i can't go hang out with one of my best friends that calls me out on my foolishness and who almost knows me better that i know me. i have so much to tell him that i can't tell him in a big group setting, and i really had my heart set on going down there to tell him that tonight.
so, i haven't decided what i will do… i may write a letter. i may call him as he's driving back to texas on monday. but i just really need to tell him what is on my heart, and how glad i am to have him as a friend, because i haven't done that in a REALLY long time. and i feel it's due, because i'm always such a butt to him when he's in town, which is a whole other situation. and i finally figured it out, why i do it. i don't want to get too comfortable with the situation, because i know that 2 hours from that time, i'll be upset that he has to leave and i'll have to say goodbye until 6 months down the road he comes to visit, but never can make it to birmingham, because of family and everything else. and that bothers me… why can't he come up here and visit? really… i think i'm about to wash my hands of all of it. and that's probably crazy talk. because i have way too much on my brain right now.
i'm so mad, yet so sad… it's always amazing to have such a great friend like that, but sometimes it's so freakin' aggravating to deal with the situations all the time. if only the world were as easy as it were in college, it'd be so much better. seriously. but, that's not the card that i've been dealt right now. instead, my best friends, my nearest and dearest pals are spread all over the south: dallas, dalton, nashville, chattanooga, aiken, mobile. it makes me sad.
if only things seemed like the caedmon's song "walk with me":
walk with me quiet, walk with me slow
with watered-down coffee, and words of gold
i can feel the edges of these things
when i hear you speak to me, so walk with me
walk with me empty, walk with me strong
the hush of our voices, when the day seems so long
it is like a balm, it is like a jewel
it unravels all i thought i knew
will you lead me, beside the still waters
where the oil, it runs over, and my cup over flows
you restore my soul
tell me the story, where old is made new
the promise of ages, and all things that are true
when the shadows fall and the wrecking ball
swings and tears me through the heart
the words echo what i want. i wish for peace and calm. i'm tired of confusion and raggedness. i want brokenness with answers. i want what i can't have. and i need what i don't want. can anyone explain it all? i want someone to give me all the answers, to make me a notebook of everything to come. i want stability. i want incredible amazement of what i have and who i serve. i want surprises. i want love, i want to love. i feel like it's been taken away by so many and i have nothing to give. i want to be an offering but i'm afraid to give it all. i'm scared and so fearful of letting my guard down. i don't know if i can yet. i want and need my creator to walk with me, to tell me what i need to know, to tell me when i'm being a moron or brilliant. why do i keep pushing away? i need to be whole again, but i want the brokenness to depend on him to build me back to what he wants. i want and i need, but honestly what do i know?
a hard day's night
ok, so i did take a nap. and it was incredible. i don't think that i've slept that hard in a while. i woke up to my brother talking, and my first question to him was, 'why are you here so early in the morning?' it made me happy to know that my bro was there, but i think i'm going crazy. ha ha.
geez. it was 6:45 at night. and thank goodness that it wasn't morning, because if it had been, on a normal occasion, i would be WAY late getting up.
i am sleeping in a little tomorrow. i'm sleeping until 7:30. you know that you're old when you're still getting up late before 8 a.m. and you want to go to bed around 9 p.m. but, i've decided that i'm going to own my old feeling age. ha ha.
why? well, because of my conversation today. it helps to hear others that are still your age or even just a year younger than you saying that too. my friend brian jowers and i were discussing this fact today… we had lunch at none other than city cafe. man, i really, really love that place. anyways, i never saw him as that great of a friend until a few months ago (it seems i have a problem with that lately). he has kept up with me and always asks about my brother (he and my bro hung out during my bro's only semester at UA). well, he's a great friend. and always checking in on people. nice guy. yah, real nice.
we talked about everything from religion to politics. it was a wonderful lunch. i realized today though that i have a problem looking at people when i talk. i can do it all day when i'm listening, but for some reason, i look everywhere else when i'm talking. i really don't understand why. but, i do, and i don't think i like it. what am i supposed to do? i can't figure it out.
can i just say how much i enjoy spanish? i really do. i love it. in fact, it will be hard for the next 2 semesters to only have one class of it. after that, it will be only spanish, but until then, i have other classes to finish up. so, i know that if i'm not incredibly motivated to do math now, it may be hard to do the others in the fall. of course, not all of them. i still have art classes to finish up! i love some art too…
i'm going to the lake tomorrow. i can't wait. i absolutely love going. it's so great. i'm going up there for the weekend through monday. i'm having to take spanish with me though, because we have finals next week. and, i need to study… study hard. anyways, i got a call today from my best friend mollie. she may come up with jonathon on saturday. yay! plus, on saturday, we have the flotilla. any normal person would probably think it's cheesy, but i love it. all of the pontoon boats of the lake decorate for the fourth, and parade around the lake, and EVERYONE is out on the piers. it's grand. i love seeing it. though this year, i won't see it, because i'll be on our pontoon this year. lovely!
ok, i'm going to study spanish for about 30 minutes and then i'm headed to bed. lata.
reaction tests
ok… i just got home from school. if you don't know, it's an hour commute one way. it's not usually too bad, unless something happens like it did today.
i got behind this one woman… she was older, i'll say. anyways, she'd be 50 or more feet away from the car in front of her, and as soon as she saw their brake lights, she would hit her brakes… well, SLAM is more like it. i almost hit her like 3 times. it was insane.
therefore, i have come to an analyzed conclusion:
people over the age of 60 should have to take some kind of reaction test every year for the rest of their life to determine the capability of their driving on an interstate and/or major highway capacity.
you know, it would really make the world a better place.
oh yeah, there's another one that i have too…
all massive truck drivers should either 1) leave earlier so that you're not in a hurry and driving like an idiot and making people like me mad because you're blocking up the left lane with your freakin slow truck going up a hill, 2) i know it's slower, but drive on highways and not interstates, or 3) get your freakin' truck out of the left lane, and KEEP IT OUT! you do nothing but make traffic slow down.
ok, there are my frustrations of the day. i know that these aren't really good suggestions or even feasible, but hey, at least i got to vent it.
geez, the day was going swell until i hit the interstates to come home.
i'm going to take a nap, or at least i hope that i'm going to take a nap.
