other things…
ben harper is a genious. i'm convinced. but then again, i feel like many people were born with ingenious ways. take me for example.
ha ha. yeah, i figured that would make you laugh.
still wondering what will come of the whole fiasco with the convo partner. hmm… that's still spinning circles in my head.
'don't you get ahead of me and i won't leave you behind.'
i'm always afraid of being in last place. is this a common fear for a fearless first born? yeah, fearless. i got that one. whatever. i want to do well. i don't necessarily want to be first (yeah i do), but it'd be nice to keep from being last. just once. that's all i ask.
'you were meant for me, i believe you were sent to me from the dreams traded to my heart.'
i love my camp friends. i love camp and the community it brings. and that community leaves and brings in more. it's amazing. i was in oneonta tonight, and i was so close to camp. i couldn't go. i wanted to cry.
tonight as i was driving, i kept watching the moon. it was full tonight. of course, half the time, i did have to watch the road. i only ran off of it a few times (6). it was incredible. it made me want to lay out in the driveway. of course, i'd freeze in these shorts tonight, and the mosquitoes would have a hay day. so i decided against it. the full moon had to have been the reason i've felt so crazy… so rebellious, ready to rile people up. it's probably a good thing that the restaurant i went to was in blount county… and it's dry.
i went to mi casita tonight with one of my best friends melissa. we basically grew up together. she's probably my oldest friend that i still keep up with… she's just awesome. after that, we went to her house to watch austin powers: goldmember. that thing is like 2 years old… i still laugh like it's the first time. it's too funny.
'my beloved one… my beloved one.'
one of the happiest sounds my computer makes is when i'm in XJournal and a friend updates. it does the medeeleme noise from strong bad's guitar email. truly a happy moment when that goes off. i find myself writing faster to see what people have jotted. yeah, i'm a dork. but whatever. it makes me smile.
full moon still has an effect after seeing it. i'm restless. and i can't explain it. i should go to bed before too long. i might end up leaving to find something to do… no, i shouldn't. that wouldn't be good.
'we have both been here before knocking on love's door, begging for someone to let us in.'
today we watched slides of chile in spanish after our test. magnificent place. i wanna go so bad. i wanna do something away from here. something great, amazing, cool. i think it's that need to feel accomplished. what better way than to have a passport labeled spain, chile and argentina. mmmm… dreams are great. i wanna do something i've never done. but, i'm sorry, skydiving and bungeejumping are out of the question. any ideas?
i had this crazy dream the other night. i dreamt that i was hiding behind a recliner, and a man came out of the doorway with a woman and a gun to her head. i jumped up and yelled, and he shot me in the forehead. twice. i woke up the next day, and no lie, there are 2 bites on my head from some creature i guess. no idea when they got there. maybe it was a baby vampire. maybe not.
i want a tattoo. well, not really. i want the thought of the rebellious nature of a tattoo. but not the hurt. i also want my nose pierced, but i seriously doubt i'll ever go through it. it looks like it's time for another aversion piercing to keep me from doing something stupid. the bad thing is… i can't do it right now. my ears are still healing from camp when they got infected. that, and i have no money. boo.
ok, seriously, full moon. weird stuff. i'm sorry.
it's probably best that i go to bed. it's been a very mentally stressing day so far. and i just want to stop thinking.
'my beloved one…' lotsa love. g'night.
other words to pacify…
Been carving out my name
my fingers ache still everything's the same
I've tried, but i can't blame this place
I've walked these busy streets
heard nothing but the sound of my own feet
nothing feels complete these days
I should find something good between these lines
bide my time finding ways to leave you behind
I'm leaving you behind
Don't tell me how to feel
you whose heart is made of stone and steel
who knows what you've yet to reveal
I should find something good between these lines
bide my time finding ways to leave you behind
I'm leaving you behind
All these lonely desert rooms
are only dust and sand to you
break the hand that gave you wings and fly
The worst is late at night
we're both awake still everything is quiet
it's not exactly love, but you don't mind
I should find something good between these lines
bide my time finding ways to leave you behind
I'm leaving you behind
i would like to say that emily deloach is a genious. she wrote this about her love/hate relationship with her hometown. boy, i really feel it right now. especially since all i want to do is go far far away from things i have to encounter every day that shouldn't have to be. yucko.
why have i stayed so long? the love that i can't leave… it keeps me happy, whole, and faithful.
missed opportunities
the whole conversation partner scenario. it's crazy. just to set a base, here's the 2 emails i sent him the other day because i was so mad, and they are in chronological order:
<blockquote>hey adam-
my thoughts were from your message that you left to meet on mondays and fridays. Â you didn't show friday or yesterday.
i figured that you would call or email, but i haven't heard from you. Â so, i've gone ahead and taken the liberty of trying to find a tutor/conversation partner that will be consistent, since i have to commute and i need that schedule to be set. Â i'm sorry. Â but, this will free up your time so you don't have to be worry with it.
thanks though for trying to get it set up in the first place.
emily</blockquote>
<blockquote>hey adam.
I’m sorry if the earlier email was mean… I came to a really rash conclusion and decided then and there to fix it since I saw you in the lab today. I was really aggravated, and I didn’t think very carefully… so with that in mind, I apologize, and I am giving chances.
anyways, I do want you to know that I did understand the meetings to be on mondays and fridays… with that, I am curious as to why you weren’t there for the times you had scheduled. I haven’t heard anything from you. I figured surely you would have said something today when I saw you… but you may have not noticed I was in there. anyways…
is this something that you don’t want to continue doing? or did something come up? just let me know… if you don’t want to do the whole thing, just say so… if you do, all I ask is that you be consistent, or at least let me know if you’re not gonna make the times you scheduled.
sorry again for the ill-decisioned letter. e me back and fill me in on your end if you don’t mind.
emily</blockquote>
turns out he never read the emails. and, that's cool. i told him that i sent them to him, and asked him to delete them because i thought they were mean. they weren't that bad, were they? i hope not. i tried to firm, but still be nice. maybe i didn't accomplish that. when we talked, we decided to meet up today. he told me to call him last night and double check everything because of all the miscommunication the other day (see earlier posts if you need that story). so i called him, and left a message. he called back, but i missed that call because i was upstairs. he left a message (he was in the middle of sleep) and said to call him in the morning and check in.
so today i was supposed to meet up with my conversation partner. obviously by that wording, he didn't show.
he called last night, and i missed the call. he told me to call him at 9:15 to remind him. so i did, but no answer. i left a message. then, i called him at 9:40 to see what was going on, and left a message. at 5 til, i went to class. i did get to study while waiting. i went to class. we only stayed for 15 minutes. so, after class, i called and left a message for adam that asked if he had a few minutes after his class and could meet up to call me. between classes, i checked my email around 11:15 and got an email from him. this is what it said:
<blockquote>Emily,
Adam here. I left my phone @ work on Friday… by the time I got it it was like 9:50 and I was driving to class from the UPS place. I feel like an ass to say the least and I didn't have your # off the top of my head to call and tell you the situation. When I got up this morning… I didn't have a message from you saying if we were on or not… and I didn't have one by the time I got off work @ 8:45… so I got in my car on the way back to my place and then boom… panic… no phone and a reputation on the line.
So, I'm sorry for all of this… today I will definitely take the blame. I'd like to pay you for the gas and inconvenience… how's $20 sound… or how about lunch or a breakfast before class? Please write back… I'm terrified to hear the probably scathing messages you left so I won't listen to them… rather… I'll wait for a reply via email. Have a nice weekend.
Adios,
Adam</blockquote>
i feel horrible. especially his line about 'he's terrified to hear the probably scathing messages you left.' SCATHING? i don't think i have that much meanness inside me accumulated over the past 24 years of my life. how could it be possible for me to leave those like that? i don't know how to be mean. in the email i wrote him back i apologized for making myself sound like a real… um, yeah, you know what i'd say there i guess. i told him that sometimes i talk bigger than i really am. shoot, while we're on emails, here's what i wrote back:
<blockquote>you know, when you're so nice like that, it makes it hard to be mad. Â :)
don't worry about this morning. Â especially since you're so willing to make it up! Â i didn't call you back last night, because you sounded so tired, so i thought i'd just call you this morning at 9:15 like you asked… i didn't want to wake you up.
don't feel like an ass… i got to the end of my street this morning and realized i left my phone… it happens.
i wouldn't have left scathing messages. Â geez, i must have made myself sound like a real beast the other day when i talked to you. Â i don't think i'm that mean. Â haha. Â of course, i just talk big. Â so, relax. Â no mean messages or emails (the ones in fact that i sent the other day are probably elementary-ish in your opinion of mean). Â so, no worries, while waiting, i got some good study time this morning since we have a test in spanish today.
there are 2 messages from me… wait, maybe 3, but they're not mean, really… Â i called at 9:15, and left a message. Â i called at 9:35 just to tell you if you got there, i wasn't outside. Â and i called when i got out of class (we got out at like 10:15) just to see if you wanted to meet up after you got out of class… just as a long shot.
don't worry about today. Â after an apology like that, i really can't be mad, not that i was in the first place. Â i knew that something had to of come up. Â i appreciate your quick email… and i'm not gonna let you pay for gas, i already had to come down here. Â but i tell you what, if you feel the need, i guess you could let you do breakfast or lunch. Â haha.
so, give me a ring when you get a chance, and we'll go from there. Â hope that your weekend is great as well… talk to you later.
-e</blockquote>
this whole scenario makes me sad. i feel like he doesn't even have a clue that i'm trying to be nice. AND, the messages i left were so nice… they didn't even have the slightest hint of anger or meanness.
so that has been on my mind since i got the email. it makes me sad to think that someone is afraid to disappoint me. crap, i disappoint people and i don't know that i act that way. maybe i should. hmmmm…
my friend and i have a theory though that it's all a plan underlying, and that it's quite clever. i really doubt it. who knows. any thoughts? anything is appreciated. really.
too many balloons
so i've been watching the democratic national convention for the last hour after my spanish study session. in fact, i watched the first 10 minutes of kerry's speech on univision in spanish. strange, but cool.
i'm not hip on the politics, so i'm not gonna act like i know what i'm talking about in each area. but, i do want to say that listening to kerry's speech got me riled up… kinda like, "yeah! wait… i don't agree with that." it was weird. there was so much energy in the room. it was contagious, even though some things made me go back and wonder.
one thing is for sure… who's paying for all these balloons they drop? they dropped something like 1/2 million balloons. poor guy who had to blow those up. he's probably on oxygen for life now. well, maybe no probably… he is. i just heard.
and what about the confetti? geez! how many pounds of that is there… it's been falling for about 20 minutes now. can you imagine the fellas that gotta clean that crap up? why is it needed?
i'll have to watch the republican national convention to get an even balance. is there a convention for the libertarian party? green party? i don't give a rat's behind party? just curious.
other notes… people who get that excited and dressed up like that in all the colors are just fun. dancing around. it's nice to see people happy. i'm sure i'll see the same thing when i watch the RNC.
patrick was saying the kerry's theme is basically "i'm not george w. bush." i think i agree… even though he hasn't come out and said those exact words. usually the DNC has been all about the love for the democratic party… this year, it was all about haters of the republican party. i think they're just trying to prove that the bush administration may have not kept the promises that he platformed. what's up with all the mudslinging? that's what i hate about politics.
i'm in agreeance though, whoever is elected… the people should stand behind our president… not necessarily on specific small things, but as a country as a whole. come on… we're the UNITED states. we should be that way. seriously.
ok… enough of that. i'm about spanish-studied out. i kept boring myself almost to sleep because i felt like i knew it. so maybe that will be good tomorrow. i will have a little conversation practice tomorrow before i have to take my test with adam, so that's a really good thing.
and they're still dropping balloons. how many trees did we cut down in the rainforest for those? aren't they from rubber trees? if not, the confetti is definitely from trees. there had to have been at least 450 trees cut down just to make the confetti. sorry, i'm annoyed by that. is it bad that this issue is what i've walked away with listening to the DNC?
today was pretty uneventful. there's crazy construction traffic wiggin' me out on the way home from ttown. they're repaving the interstate (I-59), and it's really annoying. that's just insane. why… why can't they do this at night? seriously people. come on.
before i headed back, i drove by matty's to see if he was there to surprise him. but he wasn't, and i was sad. 
but, maybe some other time. matty, your door may never be safe again. ha ha.
hmmm. i just learned the the o.k. sign here in the u.s. is actually "the bird" in brazil. thanks c-dogg. i needed that.
people are so sweet. i love genuine people. they make my day. and most of them are HERE… on lj's. that's what i love about the lj's. it's a home, a family, a community. it's something to go back to, and i love that. i really do. it's amazing. there's so much love around here.
here's an emily tidbit for all of you. keep hanging onto God's coattails, even if you have no clue where he's going. because the ride is more exciting than the view. just so you know. that's what i wanted to give you. lotsa love… g'night.
yep, i'm a confirmed idiot
i totally had a dork moment today. i feel like an idiot. well, that's probably because i am. and here's the story to prove it:
you know how i was mad about my conversation partner didn't show? yeah, so he called today. and i figured that he was mad because of the emails that i sent him… i sent him a mean one, and then i sent an apology. anyways, he called and was talking about meeting up and he was sorry that he hadn't gotten a chance to call me back. i asked him if he got my emails, and he said no. hmm… at this point, i'm curious. so i ask him why he didn't show on monday and friday. we go into this long drawn out conversation about how we misunderstood each other's messages we left last week. so, not only do i feel like a dork because i misunderstood it, but there are 2 emails out there still. i begged him to please delete them. i felt so bad. ugh. this is definitely the shortened version. yep, and i just felt like an idiot. but, we got it cleared up… and now he knows that i'm an idiot. and that i'll fess up to it if needed.
we had a composition today in spanish. it was entitled "El pasado, hoy y el futuro" (the past, today and the future). in it, we had to tell what we were kind of all about. i started it by saying, 'hello, my name is emily, and i don't have the faintest idea of what i want to do with my life.' well, it was amusing to me…
pleasantville is one of the greatest movies… tobey maguire at a good point. love it. if only every guy out there had that cute smile that tobey has. killer.
i had my interview today. it went great! in fact, the lady said that she didn't normally ask on the first interview, but she wanted to offer the job to me! woohoo! so now i'm employed. and i start on monday. good stuff. should be pretty cool. i'm definitely glad that i'll have some kind of moolah coming in. it won't be quite what i need yet, but it's a start. 
ha ha.
there are many people who bring joy to my day… whether in person or via phone or IM. today has been one of those days. i'm excited to talk to the people that i have. i talked to mary catherine today, and she just made me smile. it was fabulous! my drive time back to birmingham in the afternoon is my talktime. i swear, i don't want to see what my cell phone bill will be. it will be nice to transition to the fall, to where i'll only be talking 2 days instead of 5.
sometimes i wonder if it would be a perfect world if i looked like sarah jessica parker. but, i still haven't completely persuaded myself.
on a good note, i finally got off the stupid plateau of my diet, and i'm losing again. it's great. my goal weight is still a little ways off… about 30-40 more pounds. but at least it's on its way. i feel so much better now than i did in january. so much more… healthy.
and i'm tired, so i'm going to bed now. have a wonderful night. lotsa love…
i don't really have a subject today…
i wanna open up my eyes, and see a more beautiful world
and let the hand of God almighty sweep his colors through my life
i wanna hold tight to the laughter ignited like a child
on the winds that billow joyful through the sky
i wanna open up my heart but you know sometimes its hard to find
cause i've buried it between the selfishness that i've hidden behind
i wanna stand my ground unshaken, i wanna tremble when i'm near
and let my song remain unbroken through the tears
i wanna open up your word and let the thirsty enter in
so they can drink deep of the water you've given to them
i wanna run the race with vigor, i wanna fight the fight with strength
and let my song rise from a whisper to a scream
i wanna open up my arms and embrace the old rugged cross
i wanna take pride in the reason and be humbled by the cost
and when this whispering stammering tongue lies silent in the grave
and in a nobler sweeter song, i'll sing your praise
so let me sing for the love, let me love for the lost
let me lose all i have for what i've found on the cross
let me trust you with my life, let me live to give you praise
let me praise you for the grace for which i'm saved,
lord let me sing.
seriously, i don't know if anyone can word it better.
my heart has been numb. i can't explain it. i got an email yesterday from a ministry contact, robert… he co-heads up a missions organization in nashville. anyways, that group of people is amazing. they are always so encouraging. he emailed me to check in on me and see what was going on. in the end of the email were verses, and they said: All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source1 of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your benefit and salvation! For when God comforts us, it is so that we, in turn, can be an encouragement to you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort. (2 Corinthians 2:3-7)
i always love it when God has things up his sleeve. that was exactly what i needed to hear. it seems like nothing has gone like it should with moving back to go to school, financially, etc, etc. i've been really discouraged with it. but those verses were exactly what i needed to hear. no lie. it helped me to remember that as i "suffer," i am also "comforted." it made me realize that God works behind the scenes all the time, never stopping, never comforting, never denying us his love. all i had to do was look for it… but i had to look past what was blocking the view.
i had a conversation with my best friend mollie today. my heart hurts for her and her boyfriend jonathon. he can't get his money OK'd for school, and therefore, it's taking him forever to graduate. mollie's heart is hurt, it's numb. one of the things that i love about her is that we don't feed each other 'spiritual jargon' that most give when prayer is needed. i simply told her that i don't know why, but be patient, and keep loving God. i don't know if it's meant to be this way, and i know she doesn't want to hear that. i shared with her the verses that i got yesterday. not only were they meant for me, but also for her. if anything, at least she knows that she is comforted no matter what may come.
i saw the guy who's supposed to be my conversation partner today. he came in the lab, and didn't even see me i don't guess. anyways, i ended up writing him a mean email. when i got home, i felt so bad about it, i wrote him again and apologized, but still told him i was mad, because he hadn't showed up 2 times in a row. who knows what will happen with that. but seriously, i'd love the help with spanish. right now, we're going through preterite and imperfect verbs. confusing stuff.
i got home and hit up the job search. summer classes end in 2 weeks, and i gotta start finding something. i called several places, and sent a few emails & resumes out. i have an interview tomorrow… that's good. it's at a law firm, doing support staff stuff. here's hoping for good things.
i'm also going tomorrow to sign a roommate release form! i am officially free of my freakin' apartment that i've been renting since november but not living in… long story. i'm just glad to be rid of it, and all that crap that is inside of the whole fiasco.
don't know how i did today on the western civ exam. my guesses say that i made a C… that's aight with me. i just wanna get done with it and pass it. i hate core stuff.
bad news is… i don't have money right now to pay my tuition that i had added from this summer. i can't confirm my schedule for the fall until it's done. so pray hard. i need money. i need to see what i can sell on ebay. ha ha. ok, not so funny, i'm actually considering it now.
all you lj buds… you're awesome. it makes my day to talk to you and to hear from you… even if the comments are off the wall. they are encouraging and loved by this gal.
changes…
mary inspired me… so, i changed my livejournal… yay! you should see it (especially if you're viewing this on a friends page now…).
go… quickly.
but if you don't like it, don't say anything. ha ha. i like feeling creative and ingenious.
nothing really
so last night i was up way late. and i got up early today. i'm tired. go figure.
anyways, i don't have a lot going on, activity wise or in my head. so, yeah. i did get my spanish test back today. i had a 93. i was sure i made a C or worse. we have a western civ midterm tomorrow, 30% of the grade. i haven't studied as much as i want. bummer.
today i have lived vicariously through other lj's. so, thanks everybody.
g'night.
quality time
today was different. to say the most. it was like a walk in the past for the first half. the second half i found myself looking into the future. today i spent very little time in the moment.
church was decent. it was definitely the people that made it bearable. i went to the church where i grew up. the people haven't changed, but i have. it was so different. comfortable, but still distant. everyone was cordial, but it was almost like pretend, even though i know that they were being genuine. but i felt so separated. it was strange.
everyone was asking me what i was up to these days. i felt like a failure sometimes saying that i was going back to school. i know that it's what i need to do, but it again goes back to the whole 'i blame myself for not doing it before.' they then asked about my brother (who's recently married), and when it would be my turn. why? that's all i have to know. why do people ask this? who cares? don't they think i'll let them know when it's my turn? and if i don't, i'm sure my parents will, because they'll be thrilled to get me out and married (and as my mom says, with grandkids on the way… give me time mom, let me live! argh.). anyways, i am wiling to wait for that moment. i don't want to rush into it. it's like i'm a time bomb or something to them… i don't understand it.
after church, we went on a picnic with some of the families that i grew up with… at their houses, all of the kids played, the adults were friends. it was a happy community. it was still strange, but it was nice to know that so many people still genuinely cared about who i am becoming and what i am doing. that is an incredible feeling.
i came home and watched t.v. i should have done spanish homework. i figured i would start it at 6, and then go hang out with my brother after he got home from church. well, he called me at 6. he didn't go to church. he wants to go to dinner (you can always tell when fredia's working… ha ha ha). so we went to wing's. it was nice. can i just say how much i love my brother? he's amazing. he is so easy to talk with… i'm so lucky.
we came back to the house, i grabbed a DVD and we headed to his house to watch 'the bourne identity.' (i have to refresh my memory to be able to watch 'the bourne supremacy.') when i got there, he had his wedding pictures back, so i browsed through them. there is' w one picture that both of us were ready to get back of us in a fun pose (but it's still a good one). it turned out SOOOOOO good. i was so excited. it's the best picture me and my bro have ever taken. he's gonna let me scan it and blow it up. so i'll post it when i get it back.
my family and friends from the wedding keep telling me that i looked so good… they say that i should 'doll' myself up like that more often. my response was… the only thing that was different was the disney look-a-like dress. nothing else. so what's the big deal? i don't understand it. it's obviously a mystery.
tonight when i was chillin' with my bro, i found myself jealous of a settled life. something secure and sure to come home into… a life that is set. well, not completely set, but as for a whole. since then, i can't get the song 'where the trees stand still' out of my head. it's the story of all the changes that i've gone through in the past year. when i think back, it's crazy that all of this has happened in a year. it seems so much longer ago. i'm left so confused as to why so much change has happened. i can't remember things or people that were such a near memory. it seems so far away. i feel like i just drove by it and glanced at the store display. i'm waiting for my life to start slowing down and to see what will be constant. i'm hoping that it's in the books soon. no, i don't live some extravagant life where i'm a musician on the road like bebo, but there's something about so much change that can make it feel that way. is this what my life will be like forever? constantly changing and moving, never in one place very long?
'scenery flies by and disappears. so tell to me the secret that won't let the memories fade away, until i am home again, where the trees stand still.'
this feels like my life right now. i'm driving, changing, ever moving. i'm tired of watching things in passing. i'm tired of forgetting. i'm tired of trying to remember. i think i'm getting car sick. can i please make a stop? i just need some fresh air.
heading toward the past
today i cleaned. massively. i reorganized my closet (that took a little while, if you knew my systems). then i changed my sheets, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed, and unloaded 5 boxes from the garage into my room. i'll admit that i slowed down around 6 p.m. but, that's ok. i then proceeded to watch 'unbreakable' on t.v. i have this fascination with m. night shyamalan. i can't wait for 'the village' to come out. his movies make me a little panicked sometimes… the whole dealing with the unknown phenomena. it's kinda freaky. but, exciting. ok, next topic.
on of my best friends from high school called me today. apparently, my parents, her parents and some of their friends are all going to lunch tomorrow, and she asked me to come along. this means one of 2 things: 1. go to the church of my choice, and then drive 30 mins to meet up with them, or 2. go to church with my parents and meet up with them. i chose the latter, because of my need for gas in my car to commute everyday, and i'm poor. my parents are leaving their old church, so they've been visiting the church where we went in high school again, because they have so many friends there. the people there are great… some of the closest people i had when i was growing up. but, the church… hmmm… well, i guess that i can bear it for one sunday. i'll use it as PR time to hang out with people i haven't seen in years.
i have this need as of late to perfect things. hence, the cleaning today. it's happening in everything i do. i've even been obsessing with school. that's never happened before. it even goes further to detailing in my head what i want the rest of my school stuff to be like, and then how long i want to live where and when. there's no room for error in my head.
until i talk to people, and then i see the flaws. then i feel the need to go and perfect it again. it's even making a mark in my emotions and thoughts. i can't figure it out. i can't make myself stop "processing" every single thing that goes on. i mean, when i've already made an ordeal about exactly how fast i can go when i'm driving to school to keep from consuming too much gas. what's up with that? i think i'm going crazy. seriously.
i have such a sense of impending failure because i never finished school before. instead, i became a coward and decided to work… because apparently in my head, "i'm a better worker than studier." what kind of excuse is that? so many times, i wish that i could reverse a few years. i regret many of the decisions i made with moral, monetary, and educational choices. i'm afraid that i'll eventually feel like i'm being punished for not taking the right path, because i've become so bitter towards my own stupid decisions.
i know in my head that God doesn't punish you for bad mistakes, but i can't feel it in my heart right now. i don't know what's up with my heart lately. i've become numb. i'm afraid that i've ignored it and put it aside. i've become a fraud to my own life.
in all truth, i wish that i was already out and about doing whatever it is that God has set out. i know i'm the reason that i'm not already doing that. i just wish that life had a rewind button.
