decision dictator
i just had a rough conversation tonight with my friend brian. like i've said in the past, he pushes me. and sometimes in a bad way.
tonight was one of those. i was sharing a dreamer moment. one that i'm so excited about, and pray that it might have the possibility of coming true. and he just sat there and said that it would never happen. he wanted to know why i'd want to do such a thing? have i gone off my rocker? my only response was… why shouldn't i? i have nothing holding me back. he couldn't answer that… except with my family. heck, if my family wishes me well, i'm there. why on earth would i stay back on my butt and hang out just because of my family? if i want to do something great, i'm following God's lead, not the wishes of others. it sounds harsh, i know. but… that's how i feel.
what i was hoping for out of the conversation was that he'd actually admit that he cares. he won't ever really say it. but, i know, everyone knows, he cares. he's too prideful. instead, he tries to intimidate me and tell me that i won't actually do what i think i want to do. who the hell is he to tell me that? to assume that he knows me better than i do? come on… get over yourself.
i was a little aggravated, and i think he could tell. he again, said that there's a demand for bilinguals, so i should move to out there towards him in texas. why go to texas when i could go anywhere around the world away from some of the most annoying pieces of our country, like dirty politics around election time, a government that is constantly contradicting itself regardless of what party is leading, and a workaholic environment that is a dog-eat-dog world. why shouldn't i move across the world and have a siesta in the middle of the day? enjoy my surroundings and have just what i need? learn a new culture and immerse myself in it? shouldn't i be the one who makes those decisions for myself, and knows what i like and what i want?
ok… i'm going on and on. anyways. the 2 tests/quizzes went well. glad that class is over for the week, although i have lots of homework for this weekend that i will be doing in the morning and throughout the day of saturday. tomorrow night, i'm going to check out spiderman 2 with amy. woohoo!
i went to the galleria tonight with one of my best buds, and i bought a great skirt on sale from banana republic. i still think i paid too much, and i can't decide if i want to keep it or not. i guess i'll decide tomorrow. i do have to pick up a new pair of shoes for it though, because i have NOTHING in the color of the skirt. so, maybe a trip to DSW is in my future tomorrow.
best moment of the day: city cafe for breakfast. i hit it up with my friend reagan. it was awesome. AND, i saw 4 of the girls that i used to teach in sunday school/youth when i was an intern at fbc tuscaloosa. it was good times outside 'o city.
i'm out, and to bed. well, after 'i love 99' goes off. the whole 'i love the 90s' makes me happy.
trying to study
ok… 2 forms of tests tomorrow… chapter test in spanish, and a quiz in western civ. and i really don't want to do them. but, it's ok, because i'll get to it eventually.
that's all i have. today hasn't been that eventful for me. 
why? because i didn't get to go have coldstone with holli (things went crazy) and i didn't go have coffee with my friend julie (because i didn't want to, isn't that horrible?). i've been watching 'i love the 90s' for the past hour. i shouldn't be. but i am. so, sue me.
to top it off, my convo partner for spanish can't meet up tomorrow. so, that makes me sad. but, we're meeting up on monday. i'm such a geek to feel so excited about speaking spanish. please forgive me if you've had to experience this from me. yeah, i know… i'm a nerd.
ok. i'm done. this has been a boring update. and now i need to go study. i swear this is the hardest i've ever studied in my life. it's a lot to get used to.
inbox surprise
i got this in my email inbox today, and it made me SOOOO happy! 
i thought i'd share.
here they are, the lovely ladies of sh2's cabin 6 left… by the way, yes, we did beat out cabin 3 in our cabin challenge in which we STILL owe pies in the face. but as long as we had money for ysf, i guess we can look over it.
<img src="http://img58.photobucket.com/albums/v178/DMCemily/myownpics/cabin6Lpic.jpg" align="Middle">
flipped 'em off
today as i was on my way to class, i got behind this crazy woman. she drove like a maniac, and swerved in and out of lanes. but, you know how it is when they just "think" they're going faster, but in all truth, they haven't gotten more than 25 ft from the previous traffic they were in. she was a riot to watch. she'd swerve in and out, flipping everyone off as she drove past them. finally, around the vance exit, she flipped off a state trooper. and he pulled her over. it had to of been the best thing i've seen in a while. funny stuff.
anyways, today was a normal day, with spanish and western civ. and i was told tonight by franklin that he could write all of my journals, because they are the same. let's see you tell this one, franklin…
the exception of the day was when i walked into the language resource lab. i was talking to my friend reagan, and i looked over in the corner of the room, and i see my old hebrew teacher! (i took hebrew as my foreign language when i was at UA before) well, one of the reasons that i did so well in the class was because he's a looker. wow. talk about a 'fine lookin' jew.' (he's from israel) i was so excited to see him. i went over to see if it WAS him, and he turned and said my name… it floored me. i can't believe he remembered my name. long story short, we chatted about hebrew and what he was doing and what i was doing. he's teaching at emory university! he says that he comes to birmingham every once in a while. i told him to call me when he gets back and visits… when i had done, i realized that i had basically 'hit on' a teacher. i was a little embarrassed, but it's all good. because any time spent with guy has to be good time. very good time.
speaking of hebrew, it reminds me of a story. guy actually remembered this one today and reminded me of it. we had a study break before the final at the hillel house (the jewish student center). we had pizza. i went over and asked guy if they had sausage pizza. he looked at me funny and started laughing, as did everyone else. while a perfect jew rarely eats most meats, he said… in the hillel house, we don't eat it at all, because it's basically observed equal to the temple. wow. what a dork was i that day. and everyone remembers that story. believe me, it was a lot funnier and embarrassing that i'm sure it sounds here.
tonight was good times with a bunch of peoples from sh2. it was interesting… and very fun. so, all of you who were there: you're awesome. and all of you who were supposed to be there and didn't come: poo on you. you missed out. it was a very fun time for all. but not enough time tonight on my book.
and by the way, have you ever had a time when you wish that you could reverse something you said? well, tonight was said night. not that i want to repeat it again and leave it out for the world to see, but i feel just awful about it. something that could have been so hurtful, and it came out of my mouth. i'm so sorry.
i'm waiting in expectation for friday. good things happen on friday. breakfast with a friend, meeting up with my spanish conversation partner for the first time (in which tonight, he stated no more english… yikes), and the weekend… maybe it will hurry on over.
but, tomorrow… cold stone with holli! yahoo!
franklin… you probably would have still told this better! 
free music, free movie, free dinner
today seems to be like a day of freebies. well, it's not really in all actuality. but maybe it is.
classes started this morning. and now i have no work. that is nice. in a way. i hated that job. but, now i have to find a new one. so today would be a 'freebie' from work day. making it a 'freebie' while before i have to get another job. i'm looking. i just want to find a job that is challenging and that i will enjoy. another note… it has to be in birmingham. no commutes to ttown unless i have class or other serious business like city cafe trips.
on to other things… well, actually, back to classes. i had to add another class, because my math grade might not be too pleasing as far as the financial aid folks are concerned… and since right now, i need to be buddy buddy with them, since they're helping me by organizing my loans for school, i figure i will give them what they want. i added western civ, which is one of the few core classes that i have left. it might be helpful to learn where spain is in the mix, since i'll probably be there next summer. here's hoping.
ok, so spanish today was fun. it was basically a review day for all of us who had dr. taylor in the summer I session. everyone looked like a deer in headlights when he was talking. i figure about 7 of them will have dropped the class today. tomorrow, it will be only about 15 people to actually take the class. but that's good… i can't stand it when people aren't paying attention. i know, i'm a snob. go ahead… say it. i'm a snobby nerd. i figured enough.
anyways, NOW on to other things… so, on my way home, my mind completely went crazy. i couldn't make a decision to save my life. i am sad that i didn't get to have dinner with a buddy, but i am glad that i got to hang with my bro & sis-in-law. you know, i like her more and more. she's gonna turn out to be pretty cool to have around. i'm just sad that i didn't see it sooner. but, i am also glad that the wedding is over. anywho… the way home was full of phone time. good phone time. i got to talk to franklin and holli today. that's good stuff. i'm personally just glad that franklin didn't fall of the face of the earth. i was wondering. yay for franklin. i also talked to my best friend mollie. man, anytime time with her is quality time. good stuff.
i got a 'freebie' dinner… grilled salmon, green bean casserole, salad… apple souffle for dessert. it was delicious. then, i got a 'freebie' movie night, because we popped in a DVD and chilled for a while. it was nice.
i downloaded a new song last night too… it was a 'freebie' on itunes. man, i love itunes. it's the greatest ever. it makes me so happy. but then again, so does any other apple configuration.
on a side note, i really wish that my spanish conversation guy would call me back. he better not call back at like midnight. of course, i'll probably be studying. but that's not the point.
now it's off to study. i have western civ reading and spanish homework awaiting. and no more freebies tonight.
i love '91
i'm watching 'i love 91' on vh1. boy, it so makes me feel old. of course, 'i love the 80s' did the same. it makes me laugh to revisit all of this stuff. all i want to ask is what the crap were we thinking???
anyways… so grades were posted today. i made an A- in spanish. and that made me happy. SOOOO happy. it was great. however, math proved to not be my friend. i'm glad that i didn't put too much into the 81% that i had before everything else was evaluated. my luck is that i probably made like a 67… just short of a C-. that would make me sad. but, that's ok. if i failed it, i failed it. maybe i'll have better luck next time. i doubt it though, because i really hate math. really.
so classes start back up tomorrow, and i'm glad. i've been bored out of my mind here. i need a job here… because i work at school and if i don't have school, i don't have to work. and in the fall, i'll have to commute down there on MWF, and i only have class on TR. so i doubt that i'll keep that job that i have right now. i want something that i will enjoy doing. i don't like just sitting around and wasting time. yah, i'm crazy.
i have a couple of calls to make tomorrow about some work, so hopefully some of those will work out.
i had to go to ttown today to go pick up my financial aid check. i probably could have waited until tomorrow, but i decided to go today. that, and i got take-out from city cafe and went and had lunch in holli's office. that was awesome. i got to see matty miller for a little while. so, that was cool. i got to meet both of holli's new pastors. they seem really great.
today has been a slacker day. and that's a great thing. i was supposed to go have coffee with my friend julie tonight, but her family came into town unexpected. so, we're planning for another night. tomorrow night is dinner at my brother's house. then wednesday night is dinner with a bunch of groupies which should be fun.
i'm waiting for something grand. something huge. something to make me stand back in awe. something that i need badly.
but i don't know what it is yet.
i'm just waiting. waiting for something and i hope that i don't miss it.
analyzing the analysis…
i'm thankful for friends, why? they bring things to your attention. hard to hear, but needed. no matter what. i needed to hear this… because i have a bad problem with it:
i'm overanalytical.
i used to say that my friends in high school were way too analytical. i never realized that i had the same problem. i passed myself over as picky. sometimes paranoid. but, it's all in how i look at it.
i have a horrible problem with it. in fact, i usually end up doing more damage to the self-confidence than anything. well, that and my friends are probably tired of hearing about it. i don't blame them at all. i think i'd be tired of it too.
but that thought process still leads me into other questions… and then i overanalyze it. i'm afraid of how my being analytical to others might make them feel. then, they get bothered, whether it is little or much. then, i begin to overanalyze it by thinking that they must be furious. and then, i'm afraid that they don't want to ever speak to me again. and that if i try to fix things, that they are trying to ignore me. but when it all comes down, it's usually not a big deal to the other party.
i think i've watched too many movies and too many television programs. or maybe. i don't know.
how the crap did i ever get into this practice. and now that i'm in it, how do i change it? i'm emotionally and mentally tired of doing it. it's too much. i can't stand it. it's that horrible feeling of hating something that you are and something that you do. and then it's another cycle which beats down the self-confidence.
i need something to break the cycle. i know that i have to do it, but i don't know how to do it.
i'm glad to know one of the roots of the problem. i just have to figure it out. i have to stop it before it starts. i want to figure it out. i need to think. i need to pray. in all truth, i really need a new brain.
i also need to thank my friends for being who they are, and not something they're not. geez… that's almost sounds like a youth talk. but, thank you to those friends who are bluntly honest with me. even though it may hurt to hear or confusing, you speak truth that needs to be heard.
on other notes… i went to trinity today. i loved it. it was great. i liked the kairos sunday school class. i'm going to visit the discovery class next week, to check out both classes and see which one would work best. i plan on talking to laura eanes a little more about it on wednesday.
after church, i decided to sleep… until about 4. then, i had lunch, and then went to visit my bro & sis-in-law. i'm having dinner with them on tuesday night and we're watching a movie. no lie… i really like her better now that i've given her a chance… and now that the wedding is over. they are both so awesome. it's nice to be able to speak freely with them, like i do with other friends. my brother and i have had the most amazing friendship over the past few years. it's such a wonderful thing.
now i'm home… wondering what i'll do with all my free time tomorrow before classes begin on tuesday. i'm glad to have had a worthwhile weekend to end the semester. it was so great to hang out with people. i just can't get enough of people. it's a great thing. i'm calling a lady tomorrow about some part time work at a design firm. my bro wants me to call her.
i'm trying to figure out how i manage to do marathon posts here. i don't understand it. i usually start out thinking that i really have nothing to say. but somehow, things go crazy in my head… and things start pouring out. thanks for being understanding that i'm crazy.
i love my lj friends. you guys are amazing. i love you so much. and i miss you like crazy!
indulgences
i took my final this morning. i think that i did well. but, that's scary, because i probably did horrible. don't you hate that feeling? i wish that i knew my grades. and i wish that i knew them now. the suspense is killing me. argh.
i came home and chilled around the house. it was nice. very nice.
i met up with holli and buck to go watch anchorman. if you haven't seen it, go now. really. you'll laugh completely throughout the movie. so funny. the song 'afternoon delight' is STILL in my head. and it was in my head for the entire evening. oh, geez. talk about an earworm.
afterwards we went to cheesecake factory. well, actually we went to best buy. i picked up 2 new cd's on sale: michael tolcher and the jayhawks. yay for both of them. they're addictive. i'm lovin the new tunes. woohoo.
so, the cheesecake factory. yeah, it's way too good. and so worth the money you put up for it. i'm still with holli and buck. and can i just say that i really enjoyed dinner. it was great. but, buck's steak was way better than my chicken. my chicken just didn't taste as great as the first bite after i had a piece of steak. i very sinfully indulged in a piece of tiramisu cheesecake. wow. it was… how do i even explain that? thankfully, holli and buck had talked me out of the low carb cheesecake i had originally thought of. of course, the pounds i will put on will be here before too long. but, heck, it was SOOOO worth it. and now, i'm almost so full i'm miserable.
it was kind of sad to see the night end. because it was just such good, comfortable company. just like the other night when we went to visit buck at camp. homelike. and just great. friends and food… they are a great combination. i'm so thankful for the friends that i have and the friends that are being made. it's a wonderful thing to enjoy the little things in life that get dropped in your lap.
i'm headed to visit another church tomorrow as well as a sunday school there. here's hoping to a great time! so, amy… watch out. i'll be raiding your class tomorrow! so, your hubby better be a good teacher! ha ha.
anyways, overall great day. much better than yesterday. but i still don't feel like i've adequately explained how great it was. so thanks for the great evening.
leaving something behind
there is something exciting about leaving everything behind.
there is something deep and pulling leaving everything behind.
something about having everything you think you'll ever need sitting in the seat next to you.
and i watch another white dash, another white dash, another white dash fly beside us.
i watch another white dash, another white dash, another white dash fly beneath us…
got a heart full of rubber bands that keep getting caught on things…
and i count another white dash, another white dash, another white dash, i drift off into something.
there is something exciting about leaving everything behind.
there is something deep and pulling leaving everything behind.
something about having everything you think you'll ever need sitting in the seat next to you.
words of wisdom for the moment. i just had an incredible conversation with my best friend mollie (which is THE highlight of this horrid day that i've had).
she said something that sparked my interest. and it made me happy. in the past week, i had an almost epiphany… why almost? well, i'm not sure if it was just me getting excited about the what-ifs or if it's actually a path for me to take. only time will tell. but, dreams of being far away and in something huge are always available. and, that is what i have to hang onto right now. but, it is still exciting. ok… that's an underestimation. it's WAY exciting. and wonderful to dream of…
vague, yes. but i need to be vague. why? i'm afraid of saying it out loud because then i might be wrong. and that's never ever cool. so, right now, i'm looking, researching, and getting more and more giddy about what may happen. but, no matter, it will still be a while. i have to graduate. and i hope that happens before too long.
i should be studying, but i don't want to do that at this moment. i am curious about what is out there for me to find out.
this day has been a horrid day, and i want to take some time for myself, and this is how i choose to do it.
spanish final at 8 am in the morning. after that, who knows what will happen. tomorrow will HOPEFULLY be so much better than today. because if not, then i really think i'll cry. i can't believe i didn't cry today. i was on the verge of it. and in the moments when the day was at it's worst and i couldn't possibly believe that it was actually happening, i wanted to cry. i kept it inside though. today and some of the people in it were not worth the tears. not at all.
i wish that it would snow in alabama. not right now. but i wish that it would snow in the winter. i wish that we had completely true seasons here. i wish that i lived somewhere that there were true seasons. maybe that is one of the reasons that i loved st louis so much. they had freezing winters and hot summers. it was so great. and there was so much to do there. that is what i wish that i had. maybe not now… but sometime someday. who knows what could happen. i will just still be dreaming. dreaming forever until some part of it may come true.
so i may be here a while.
star gazing
i had the best night last night. it was… fulfilling. strange word, i know, but it was great.
yesterday was kinda weird… i didn't go to work yesterday. i decided that i needed to work on my spanish. so i asked my boss about it, and she said no problem. so, i went to the language resource lab. of course, that was after i had already been to the rec, where i worked out on the elliptical for a while (geez, i love those things). but that was only after i took my 4th math test. i passed it. not with the greatest grade, but i did pass it. i made a 64.
spanish was kind of sad yesterday, because it was the last one. half of my class i'll never see because they got the other professor for the 2nd term. so, that's cool and all. classes start back up on tuesday. i can't wait. it should be great! i've enjoyed spanish class. it's super.
after that, i went to take my math final. it again, didn't go THAT well. but, again, i did pass it. i was one missed question short of a 70. i made the horrible 68. i joked with dr. hsia that i'd be seeing him again one day. i pray that's not the case. my overall grades say 81, but i'm not too confident of that. so, i guess i'll see what it will be soon enough. i just pray that i passed, because i hate math. no, i loathe math.
i came home, changed and headed to dinner with my family. it was a quick one, because i had to meet holli mack to go roadtrippin. it was a blast. we saw a couple of friends, and that was the fulfilling part of the day. you know the feeling of being at home? it was like that. i loved it. so, thanks to the 2 particular fellas that we did visit. yay buck and matty. that, and karma is the coolest cat ever.
it's so great to feel like you're getting to know people. no matter how little or how much you find out. and that is one of the reasons that last night was so great. i learned so much about those with whom i visited (and now i feel like i'm writing like shakespeare… whom?). anyways, it was great. lots of laughter and chill time. that, and i'm still mad at buck for the whole freakin' me out with the roach thing. thanks a lot man… you suck. and… you're also awesome, because it was funny in hindsite.
ahhhhh… if there's one thing to know about me, it's that i hate the roach. eww… i even shivered when i thought about it. on a side note, i think that's why it was SOOOOO disgusting to see lindsay eat that roach on sh2. man, she's got lots 'o guts there. not me. not ever. yuck.
to end the night, me, holli and matty laid out under the stars and chatted. it was magnificent. it was the end to a perfect evening visiting our buds. yay for visits… and here's to many more soon! well, hopefully.
i got in around 2 this morning, and slept until 11:45 this morning. how horrible is that? now today i have to study for spanish, which is at lovely 8 am in the morning. and tonight, i have to miss out on david crowder here in the 'ham, because of that fact. it's saddening. because david crowder… hmmm… there's just lots of love for him in my heart.
