isn't it love?
ok, i must confess. i have a crush. a pretty large one. and i feel like an idiot.
i'm what, 24 years old? what's up with that? do 24 year olds actually have crushes?
well, this one reallly started back around a year ago. the fella? yeah, he's great. works at conference office. lovely guy. he's into media stuff too, and loves music. great guy, but i couldn't like him a year ago, because of his situation. he was married. bummer for me.
anytime i went up to conference office, i loved bumping into him, but of course, it had to be completely platonic. and that was cool. although i always felt like he hated me because i did some artwork for the conference youth events. myrle kept telling me that he wanted to do the work, not me. so, that's cool and all.
recently, he got a journal. and by putting 2 & 2 together, i discovered that he's going through a divorce. i feel really bad for him. he's such a great guy… loves what he does. loves God. loves people. but apparently, his chica filed it and kinda went stir-crazy.
i'm really trying to not like him, with the divorce and all going on. i really want to be a friend. but, i can't freakin' act normal around him. i become all shallow and stupid. what's up with that? i don't understand it. but i feel like a blubbering idiot when i'm talking to him, and i'm sure that he thinks the same.
anyways, he'll be part of our supper club that holli and i were starting. that's the other thing, i don't know what to think of holli sometimes. the other night, she made a comment about the whole divorce thing, and was like "hey, holli, there's a guy that's available." i don't know how i feel about it. am i jealous? yes. she knows so many people. and has actually dated people.
what the hell is wrong with me? why can't i get a date? i really don't understand it. seriously. i'm freakin' hanging out at my parents house, where i now live on a friday night. am i a total loser? really.
ok, so ben… there you go. i like you. i know that you probably feel like i do, or maybe you think i'm a spastic freak. i hope that i'm not. i really don't want to be. i really want to be a friend. i really want to be smart and say great philosophical things. i want to feel connected to the UM community other than what i already do. but, it's all good, i guess.
so here are a few good things… today in talking with ben, he says that i'll get along well with winston, who is his best friend. that's great. ben says that if leadership doesn't happen, then he might jump on board for senior high 2. woo hoo! that's my week. that'd be so great. i'd love it. i just need to be smart and not stupid that week. you know? maybe i can swing it. it's deep down i know, i just have to find it. 
wait… what was that? senior high 2. not senior high 1. yay.
holli says that she's got a "date" tonight. i really want to know who with. if it's ben, i'll be sad… really sad. because she's been sneaky about him and talking with him and all. but, they are good camp friends from way back. that's good. i really wish that i would have grown up methodist and gotten to be a part of camps like that. it makes me sad to miss out on the connectional stuff from it. they all know each other and love each other and see each other all the time. but, no i had to grow up a freakin' southern baptist… which i hate sometimes. but, it's all good…
anyways, so i don't understand what's going on. i just want to be a part of something… something wonderfull and fun. i need to feel needed, wanted, and loved. i want to love. i want to kiss that someone special. but, i know that it will be a long time from now.
a long time from now. but, i can wait. no, not really. i'm just tired of waiting. yes God, i did say that. i'm tired of waiting. i'm tired of being selfish. i'm tired of being me. i'm tired of crap not happening that should be, and i'm tired of crap happening that shouldn't be. i'm just tired. i want to throw up. i want to be skinny. i want to be beautiful. i want to be someone else…. something new. i want to start all over.
so there are a lot of my thoughts. emily, you're the only one reading, so enjoy.
currents
CURRENTS…
[ Current Clothes ] jeans, t-shirt, flip flops (big surprise)
[ Current Mood ] frustrated and socially inept
[ Current Music ] Pedro the Lion
[ Current Taste ] remnants of sweet tea
[ Current Hair ] straight, back in a ponytail
[ Current Annoyance ] shallow people, like me sometimes
[ Current Smell ] pumpkin bread candle
[ Current thing I ought to be doing ] probably reading, or maybe having a life
[ Current Desktop Picture ] me & dave crowder
[ Current Book you're reading] should be reading… maybe some john piper
[ Current CD in CD Player] Pedro the Lion
[ Current DVD in player] school of rock
[ Current Color Of Toenails ] orangey-pink
[ Current Refreshment ] sweet tea
[ Current Worry ] that i'll be shallow and uncultured the rest of my life
LAST PERSON…
[ You Touched ] ben
[ You Talked to ] my mom
[ You Hugged ] hmmm… no idea. it's been a sad week.
[ You Instant messaged ] ben
[ You Yelled At ] my mom
[ You Kissed ] matt… wow, 3 1/2 years ago. sad.
FAVORITE…
[ Color ] red
[ Album ] jason mraz… "waiting for my rocket to come"
[ Shoes ] flip flops… any of them
[ Animal ] a cat… zoe beth…
[ TV Show ] friends
[ Movie ] tommy boy, orange county
[ Song ] mary jane's last dance by tom petty
[ Vegetable ] tomatoes
[ Fruit ] hmmm… strawberries
[ Cartoon ] spongebob squarepants
ARE YOU…
[ Understanding ] yes
[ Open-minded ] more than i've ever been before
[ Arrogant ] sometimes
[ Insecure ] around some people
[ Interesting ] um, yeah, probably not, considering i'm home on a friday night
[ Random ] only when I'm talking to myself… : )
[ Hungry ] yes, very
[ Friendly ] sometimes
[ Smart ] RIGHT…
[ Moody ] only around the nearest and dearest
[ Childish ] hmm… in moments that i don't want to be
[ Independent ] very
[ Hard working ] all the time… i love to be busy
[ Organized ] very
[ Healthy ] more than i've ever been… and still working on it
[ Emotionally Stable ] for myself and for others…
[ Shy ] sometimes
[ Difficult ] sometimes… I prefer complex
[ Attractive ] in my opinion, definitely no
[ Bored Easily ] yes
[ Messy ] depends on who you ask… i still think it's organized
[ Thirsty ] all the time
[ Responsible ] sometimes
[ Obsessed ] over some things
[ Angry ] at the world sometimes
[ Sad ] sometimes
[ Happy ] generally
[ Hyper ] nope, I'm bored
[ Trusting ] no, only with a few
[ Talkative ] when i want to be
[ Legal ] all over the world!
WHO DO YOU WANT TO…
[ Kill ] none
[ Slap ] oh yeah, i'd love to, but i wouldn't.
[ Get Really Wasted With ] anyone
[ Get High With ] prefer not to
[ Look Like ] anyone beautiful : )
shallow
have you ever had a day where you just feel like you jumped in the shallow end head first? yeah, sometimes life surprises you. i indeed feel that way today.
every once in a while, you have something that you can do, an ability, that makes you shine. for this, it makes you strive harder. well, i did that today. it's in how things look, layouts, media specific stuff that i love to do. it makes me smile. i can be the only one doing it. all alone. and i'm happy. those are my introvert characteristics.
on the other hand, there are times when the extrovert comes out, and i sound completely shallow. i used to think that i was really good at things like small talk, or being hospitable, but i don't think i am anymore. is that bad? i think my character has done a 180 since high school.
i have always been the loud mouth, with or without friends, strangers or whomever comes along. now, i'm only that way when i'm up front in front of students, and sometimes, i'm really good at faking that. i'm also loud when it comes to friends and people that are close to me. i have that whole i don't care attitude.
i don't know why my whole demeanor has changed. is it a part of growing up? if so, i'd like to know what else is along the way please…
ok, so this post probably seems so strange, but i don't really care. mainly what i'm getting at is this: i love to be crazy, silly, goofy and all… but, i love serious conversation that makes you wonder what's really going on in someone's head… their thoughts, opinions, life struggles. i'm hungry for those conversations… ones that make me think, and be challenged, so that out of it, i grow, i discern, i challenge myself.
what makes me feel that way? theology, music (with incredibly deep & meaningful lyrics), faith, struggles, disagreements, reading, writing, relationships.
my own faith makes me feel that way, but i feel like i am reliving lessons and things that don't make me think or live or grow. everything is repetitive. is this the slump i've allowed myself to grow into, to manifest itself as an ugly shallow soul?
i want to know more than i know now, more culture, more knowledge, more wisdom. i want something deeper. something meaningful. something bigger than me that makes me dig deeper. i just can't seem to find it.
workin' the volunteer hours
ok, so i got incredibly bored today. thankfully, i heard that some volunteers can be used up at the conference office. so, ben hooked me up with some un-bored-ness. yay. i'm just glad that i could help. it kept me busy. good stuff.
i still haven't heard from the girl that called me about the freelance job. hopefully i'll hear from her tomorrow. if not, i'm so gonna call her. good news or bad news, i'd love to know whatever. because jobs are good. and i need a job. woo hoo.
i had to talk to my old roommate today. the rent's due this weekend. i'm freakin' out. i need some dough… therefore i need a job. yah, it'd be nice, huh?
jack black rules me. i love that man. that's all i can say.
you know what else rules me? apples. not just regular apples, but a macintosh. go macs. i love macs. today, being in there to help set up for annual conference, they're using windows-based computers. it was so frustrating to even watch the process of hooking all the computers to screens, et cetera. ahhhh… i wanted my mac so bad at that point. it's so much easier. go macs. yay apple.
i'm so pumped about annual conference. i love it. i can't wait for this years conference. it should be fabulouso.
other than that, i really hope that the sun comes out this weekend. i could really dig some layin' out at the pool. maybe it will be a little prettier this weekend. maybe i should just check the weather. hold please. yeah… it's gonna be mostly sunny on saturday. wahoo! i'll be poolside for a little while.
sunday, i'm headed to trinity umc for services. i'll be seeing some caitlin hartley. then, i'll hopefully be heading to run a special super errand to the airport. i'll have to see tomorrow. if i got to do it, i'd be so excited and lovin' it.
ok, so for all this craziness that i call a journal entry, and it really means nothing. i should stop multi-tasking when i'm writing here.
here's to jobs, volunteering, and sunshine.
i want to be…
…happy
…loved
…insightful
…motivated
…moved
…joyful
…calm
…curious
…worshipful
…loving
…persevering
…called
…sent
…dutiful
…engaging
…talkative
…silent
…listening
…poetic
…timely
…friendly
…a friend
…a sister
…a daughter
…a mom (one day)
…an aunt
…a sister-in-law
…a painter
…a photographer
…a speaker
…a writer
…something more
…something less
…something great
…following something greater
lord, whatever that may be… lead me in your paths.
lots o work to be done
today has been kinda full of stuff to do, and it has been great! it is so nice to have a day pass by without thinking about what time it always is.
this morning, i went to help paint a mural for my mom's church's VBS. i painted a few kimonos and people, and had fun. i think i surprised my mom with my painting ability. it was pretty cool.
after that, i went to go be fitted for my dress for the wedding for my brother. it looks so good. i like it. it fits really well. i felt like a princess in it. of course, i'm sure i didn't look like one. but, it should be pretty when it's all said and done. the only thing i don't like is that we have to wear opera gloves in the middle of the summer. opera gloves… um, yah.
i then went down to paint again, a different mural though. i decided that i wanted to do something that my bro & future sis-in-law would see as unique. i painted a canvas for their future bedroom. it's cool. i feel like i'm looking at a tons of flying peacock feathers when i look at it. my bro really liked it. we are going over there tomorrow to give it to fredia. woo hoo.
my family all went to dinner tonight. while we were waiting, i beat my bro in a game of checkers. it was so fun to play. i haven't gotten to hang out with my bro alot until now, that i've moved back to birmingham. i love it. it makes me smile real big.
after dinner, i worked on some stuff for 139, the upcoming fall jr. high weekend. that took a while, because my computer decided that it hated me, and kept freezing up while i was trying to export the livemotion file to an mpg. but i finally got it to work, and sent it to my bro, and he's making a video for me. it should be great!
today i got a great phone call from a girl that i grew up with. i saw her parents at sam's wedding this past saturday, and was talking about what was going on here. anyways, she called me today and said that their graphic artist had left and she needed someone to come in without being trained! she asked if i already had the programs and all, and she's gonna talk to her boss in the morning and see what she can find out. she's been doing it for the past few weeks, and pulling like 80 hours a week. so, that would be good if it came through. it would be freelancing, working my own hours, for a good bit of money. if that could and would come through, it would make me SOOOO happy. it'd be following my heart!
i feel like this is a shallow post. it could be because the t.v. is on, and i'm listening to music too. way too much. i'm going to bed. i need sleep.
lots of choices
tonight i was talking to holli mack. during that conversation, i completely freaked myself out. it wasn't intentional. and it's not that big of a deal, but it deals with a decision that i have to make before too long, and that made me freak out.
what was all this dilemma over? church. about where i'm going to go to church, and all of the details that it implies. geez. i wish it weren't so hard. why does it have to be so hard? i have at least 4 other churches to visit. why can't it just be appointment oriented like the bishop does with ministers? each person in the state appointed to a specific church. wouldn't it be so much easier? wow. ok, so maybe not.
so i have an interview on thursday, which is good. but i keep second guessing it. do i really want to do that? i mean, REALLY want to do that? or should i hold out for an artsy job? ahhhhh….. it's enough to make me want to scream.
you know what else makes me want to scream? people who used to be youth of mine getting engaged. yep, just found out about one. how old is he? 20. what the crap??? what do 20 year olds know about marriage? ok, i don't understand. maybe some do, but i just have a hard time imagining this 20 year old getting married. geez. ok, i'm getting away from where i was talking about.
i went today to purchase some art supplies for my bro's wedding present. i'm painting a canvas for his & fredia's bedroom. they need something in there. so, i plan to take that as my project. art. i love art. i also got 2 other canvases to play with. maybe i'll sell them for some huge money. yah. whatever.
i just got an email from one of my good friends that i had in alex city… in fact, she was the youth coordinator. she was probably one of the only people that i really felt close to while i was there. she wrote to fill me in on everything down there in alex city. yeah, got some interesting news there. hmmm.
ok, so music has been huge to me in my life right now. i keep hearing so much in it… hence the reason, i've quoted so much lately. here's what i'm taking in right now:
"hello lord, it's me your child, i have a few things on my mind
right now i'm faced with big decisions and i'm wondering if you have a minute
but right now i don't hear so well, and i was wondering if you could speak up
i know that you tore the veil, so i could sit with you in person and hear what you're saying
but right now, i just can't hear you.
i don't doubt your sovereignty, i doubt my own ability
to hear what you're saying and to do the right thing, and i desperately want to do the right thing
but right now, i don't hear so well and i was wondering if you could speak up
i know that you tore the veil so i could sit with you in person and hear what you're saying
but right now, i just can't hear you.
and somewhere in the back of my mind, i think that you are telling me to wait
and though patience has never been mine, lord i will wait to hear from you."
ok, so this entry has been basically pathetic. but, it's self-expression and allowing myself to breathe. i just have to remember to breathe.
today has been pretty uneventful at the most part. i'm finding myself incredibly bored. i have a few things to work on, but other than that, i'm so used to being busy. being non-busy creates a lethargic mode. i don't like that. at least when i was at the lake, i felt like i was doing something. the house has been incredibly empty-feeling today.
i've decided that i'm going to read. lots. i took about 10 books out of the book boxes, and brought them upstairs. i would rather have had a few different ones, but there were too many book boxes to find. i had to take what was available. i'm really wanting to find a different genre too. there are a couple of books i'd like to read, but right now, i will just have to wait… especially until regular funding kicks into gear.
i feel like i've been ignoring my heart. why? i'm not sure. i just feel like sometimes everything i'm doing is systematic. i feel enormously shallow that way though. that's why i picked up "waking the dead" again. i read more than half of it about 6 months ago, but failed to finish it, because of time. so, i picked it up again. it sought right to the core of how i feel. i love john eldredge. he blows me away. it's so great. here's what hit me today like a ton of bricks: "the Bible sees the heart as the source of all creativity, courage, and conviction. It is the source of our faith, our hope, and of course, or love. It is… the very essence of our existence, the center of being, the fount of our life… the heart is central; to find our lives, we must make it central again."
so many times i have followed my mind, because it has reason, it makes sense. when i follow my heart, i get hurt. in dealing with reason and emotion, i'm torn. what will make me truly love my life? what will give me the true sense of meaning?
there are so many options… even with looking for work while i'm at school. do i just find the first thing that comes along that will secure a paycheck and help pay with school bills? or, do i hold out? do i wait for that job that will disperse all that i love: art and creativity? and do i follow my heart where the church is concerned? do i invest in music or youth or nothing at all? my heart is telling me one thing, my mind another. i feel like i did when i was 18, like i don't know what to do with life.
i feel so foolish to go back to school when i should have already finished the first time. but what seems more foolish are my decisions along the way to not finish when i was there. i feel so aged compared to these people that will be my classmates. i often ask myself what i'm doing? have i completely gone off the deep end?
i'm so excited about what may come about, but i'm frightened like never before. i pray that i haven't burned bridges along the way, and that i am doing exactly what i need to be doing along my path that God has ordained.
"whate'er my God ordains is right
holy his will abiding
i will be still whate'er he does
and follow where he guideth
he is my God, though dark my load
he holds me that i shall not fall
where for to him i leave it all."
